Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Possibly the Funniest Video I’ve Ever Seen

Hmmm, what excuses do I have for not blogging for the last 3 weeks?

1. I sprained both of my index fingers in a beer pong game and haven’t been able to type.

2. I was sorta’ dating someone that took up the spare time that I would normally devote to blogging. Keyword: “was.”

3. Dewey came down with a rare form of canine chlamydia and the last few weeks have been spent at vet offices, pharmacies picking up prescriptions, and STD clinics.

4. I’ve been so busy with work that I have literally been going to bed at 4am every night.

5. I slipped into a coma and just got out.

Only 1.7 of those reasons are true and you can take your guesses.

The video you’re about to watch is my favorite thing in life. YES, I was there for the taping (you may or may not be able to hear me laugh at one point), and YES I know these freaks, but you don’t have to know them to love it.

Back story: Atlanta’s very own Tribble Reese (and former CLEMSON football player) went on CMT’s Bachelorette-style show called “Sweet Home Alabama” not too long ago. He didn’t win, but CMT immediately gave him his own Bachelor-style season for obvious reasons having to do with looks and personality.

And now…. you watch (make it full screen for the best effect).

 

 

Atlanta’s Best Halloween Party & the Celeb Who’s Coming

Feedback I’ve received from the video you’re about to watch:

“I just sharted watching that video. It’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.”

“That video is not even remotely funny.”

“Not my favorite.”

“Best. Video. Ever.”

Soooo….you be the judge. And for the best Halloween party in the history of Halloween (seriously, my favorite night of the year), click HERE to buy tix/more info and use promo code HESS for $3 off. Right now tix are just $9 even with fees!

Do it.

For yourself. Your social life. And for Bieber.

And how about an FB “like”?

The Legend of Bloody Foot

I have debated putting this story on the blog for more than a year. But since I’ve been doing all these videos, slacking on my blogging, and haven’t hit you guys with a real doozy in a while, I owe it to my millions of seven followers to share. You win.

It was July 2010–the week before my 27th birthday, and I met a friend out for “a casual drink or two” on a Thursday night. I wasn’t planning to stay out past 11. I think my hair was even in a ponytail. But the vodka sodas were going down easy, we were having a good time chatting at the bar, and then…a guy walked in that sealed my night’s fate. We’ll call him Brad.

I knew Brad through a mutual friend and we used to sorta’ flirt but I hadn’t seen him in years. So we had a big, “Ohmygosh, how have you been??” greeting session, then moved right into flirting territory. And stayed there. We shut down Ormsby’s, then headed over to Northside Tavern for more boozing and drunken dancing. At last call, Brad offered to take me home and the rest of the night played out like this:

  1. Brad drove me home.
  2. I invited him inside or he invited himself (either way, he ended up in my apartment).
  3. We made our way to my, um, bedroom and may or may not have made out…and stuff.
  4. Somehow a nail polish bottle was in my bed (still not sure how that happened) and I tossed it across the room.
  5. Rest of the night is a little fuzzy.
  6. The next morning, I woke up and Brad was gone.

I mean, whatever. Maybe he had to get home for something. I stumbled out of bed and immediately saw THIS on my floor.

Wow. So the nail polish bottle WASN’T shatterproof like I had assumed in my intoxicated state. I kinda’ giggled to myself thinking that it looked like blood. Why that’s funny, I’m not sure.

Then I saw the real blood.

Blood droplets ALL over my bedroom floor. From one end of the room to the other.

Slightly horrified, I made my way to the bathroom where there was a trail of dried blood leading the way. In the bathroom, I saw remnants of what looked like a crime scene: streaks of brownish red all over the white tile floor and a hand towel tossed in the corner. Someone had tried to clean up the massacre.

I checked myself. No injuries. I checked Dewey. He was fine, but acting VERY strange. Like he’d seen something go down. I had to get to a meeting, so (after walking Dewey), I shut the bathroom and bedroom doors and figured I would deal with that shit later.

The whole day I was coming up with scenarios, most of them involving Brad bleeding in a ditch somewhere or at the Grady Hospital ER. I figured he wouldn’t be calling me anytime soon.

When my head finally cleared that night, I decided to play detective and really get to the bottom of this. And I did…when I found this.

A giant shard of the polish bottle. Brad must have stepped on it, sliced open his foot, nearly bled to death in my apartment, then left.

I didn’t have his number. I didn’t have the number of our mutual friend. I couldn’t find him on Facebook. This wasn’t good. I was in no place financially to get sued because my cosmetics paralyzed a random dude from the ankle down.

So I just had to forget about it and hope I saw Brad again one day.

Which I did…two weeks later at Front Page News. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, to see him alive and on his feet. We immediately recounted the incident (thank God he was laughing about it), and he confirmed that it was indeed the nail polish shard that sliced and diced his foot. I can’t remember if he had to get stitches or what (I was overserved that night as well), but he seemed fine. And not looking to sue me. He even wanted to exchange numbers. I put him in my phone as “Brad Bloody Foot.” Not that he ever called me.

I actually saw him at Music Midtown last weekend and the first thing he said to me was, “My foot still hasn’t fully recovered!”

Whether or not he was joking–I don’t even want to know.

*Like what you read, even a little? Why not hit the like button?

Why I Almost Jumped Out of a Plane

Oh. I haven’t blogged in like, 3 weeks. Sorry about that (anyone who cares).

But I have a good reason. It’s because I am just now recovering from the incident you’re about to witness below.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I’m still mildly traumatized. Basically, I went to LA a couple weeks ago and this is what happened. I shudder just thinking about it. Thanks to Louisa for filming. More on our trip to come…

Grossed out? I thought so. Why not hit the “like” button anyway?

I Thought I Had Seen it All…

Okay, so I know I haven’t seen it ALL. But few things can actually make my jaw drop and last night at the Red Bull Soundclash featuring Ludacris and Neon Trees, I saw some action on stage that did just that. Let me just say it took pole dancing to a whole new level.

Without further adieu…

Hit the “like” button if you love Luda!

Sometimes…I Dance.

So this happened. It should be pretty self-explanatory.

Just in case there was ever any doubt about me having no shame.

If you liked this, got turned on (HA) and/or were slightly disturbed, why not hit the “like” button? And like A Social Mess on FB. I already have a plan for when we hit 3K fans….and it may or may not get me arrested.

My 3 Current Music Obsessions

I’m not a music blogger (duh). If you want to read a music blog, head on over to my friend Allison’s joint at RadioPotato.com. But first, read this.

I have found three bands all in the last MONTH that I COMPLETELY OBSESSED with. And if you know me at all, that means I’ve been singing their songs at the top of my lungs in my car and while dancing around in my underwear in my apartment. I’ll wait while you get a mildly entertaining, not-sexy-at-all visual.

Also, two of these bands are offering FREE mother F’ing downloads of their EPs right now (click HERE if you don’t know what an EP is). You won’t be able to get those once they turn all super-famous and stuff. So I had to share. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

1. Bronze Radio Return – I saw these guys at Smith’s Olde Bar on Sixthman‘s Summer Road Trip and immediately fell in love. I recommend buying their album, Shake! Shake! Shake! on iTunes for a measly 10 bucks. “Wonder No More” is my favorite song on the album, hands down (listen on FB here). Sometimes I slip up and call them Bronze Tiger. But that was the name of the sketchy-ass tanning place owned by a total Chester that we used to go to freshman year in college at Clemson. Sick.

2. Quiet Hounds – Right now, the guys in this Atlanta band are a mystery. I mean, I MAY or MAY NOT know who they are, but don’t ask me. You’ll find out soon enough. My level of obsession with them right now is up there with pretzel M&Ms and Svedka vodka. Which, by the way, pair very nicely together. Click HERE to A) stream their EP without committing to the download or B) spring for the FREE download. I die for “Hemlock” and “Southern Charm.”

See what I mean about that whole “mystery” thing?

3. Three Blind Wolves – Not to be confused with Quiet Hounds. Two different adjectives referring to the senses, two different animals. These guys were introduced to me by a pal, Tim Sweetwood. And if you know him, you know he knows his stuff when it comes to bands. Click to download their FREE EP. I love the track “Hotel.” Right around the 4:30 mark, I start singing so loud and crazy, I embarrass myself.

I really hope you enjoy these bands. If you don’t, it’s not my fault you have shitty taste in music. And if you do, why not give the ol’ “like” button a click and spread the word!

Happy listening!

My Friend Trey Needs a Date

For those of you that don’t know, I work with a company (if you can even call it that) called A Social Mess. We put on parties (click HERE for info on Halloween) and put out a trainwreck of a newsletter each week (you can sign up for it HERE). A Social Mess co-founder, Trey, is one of Atlanta’s biggest hot messes but also one of the city’s most eligible bachelors since his girlfriend recently dumped him. So we figured we would try to get him a date via the power of the World Wide Web. With that came the idea of a full-blown dating service (sorta’).

If you don’t know Trey, you’ll probably still find this video funny. As our friend Kelley put it: “i think people will laugh more than i did – because i have seen those pics and know what to expect. but if you have no idea that a human like that is alive, it’s super funny.”

So there you go. Now you know a human like this is alive.

Ladies, you in love yet?

Under Wraps

While I was at Kroger Pharmacy the other day picking up my monthly installment of anti-baby medication, I noticed something that perturbed me.

Why are all the condoms locked up? And more importantly, why is the LUBE locked up? This is AMERICA for God’s sake!

This means that in order to buy a rubber or a tube of KY, you have to find a “sales associate” and ask them to unlock a sliding glass door so you can make a purchase.

I think it’s wrong. Here people are, trying to have safe, lubricated sex and they have to track someone down who they don’t even know and basically say, “Hey Kroger employee, I’m trying to get some later, can you help me out here?” Not cool.

Personally, I would be annoyed only because I’m extremely impatient and like to make my grocery trips as quick and non-interactive as possible. I don’t get embarrassed easily, so that wouldn’t be the issue, but a lot of people do. And even adults are sheepish about buying condoms and other sex accouterment. Sidenote: years ago, I may or may not have purchased that KY “Yours + Mine” twin pack at CVS and they do NOT lock up their sex goods. Kroger could learn a thing or two from them. Oh, and it’s also like, $20 and not worth that at all. Please reference THIS BLOG on the proper way to purchase lubricants and all other sex-related goods at affordable prices.

And if anyone has a contact at Kroger Corporate, feel free to pass along this blog. Maybe with our forces combined, we can get them to unlock the magic.

*

Pissed about this, too? Why not give the ol’ “like” button a click?

How to Get Over Being DUMPED

Yeah, getting dumped sucks, but in the end, it’s usually for the best. I came up with this little inspirational saying: “You turned out to be the best thing I never had. And I’m gonna’ always be the best thing you never had. I bet it sucks to be you right now.”

Ok, so that’s actually from a Beyonce song. But whatever.

I’ve been dumped a time or two. Or 17. I would have to say the TOP 3 were:

1. Getting dumped on Valentine’s Day in high school. I had ordered the guy his fave chocolates from California (with my hard-earned babysitting money!) and you better believe I ate every. last. one. And cried.

2. The guy I was (sorta’) dating broke the news he was going into the Peace Corps while he was visiting me at the beach. He left immediately after, I walked into my beach house, burst into hysterical tears (like, someone-just-died tears) and my cousin and my best friend basically laughed in my face. Then we went out drinking.

3. I was texting with a guy during the day about an upcoming weekend trip and he said we needed to have a talk first….later that night. Which means I had to wait around all day to get dumped. So that was fun.

Don’t feel that sorry for me (not that you were anyway), but I’ve done my fair share of dumping. Let me rephrase that. I’ve done my fair share of ignoring/phasing out a dude until he gets the hint. But this blog post isn’t about that. It’s about what to do when you get dumped. There are FIVE surefire ways for ladies to get over guys when they get dicked over. Some of these may even work for guys (the last one, in particular).

Have I done all of these?

Duh. How else would I know they work?

Why not like/recommend this on Facebook? You know, to share these valuable tips with people that actually need them.