Archive for the ‘Boys + Booze’ Category

Who Says Romance is Dead?

I got a voicemail from my Pure Romance (read: sex toy party) consultant Annette the other day.  Here’s the bulk of it:

“Hey Ashley, it’s Annette from Pure Romance.  Hope you’re staying dry (no pun intended).  I am checking in with you, young lady, because you have not responded to my email that said I owe you $40 in hostess credit!  I was wondering if you wanted me to send you something or if you wanted to wait until next week because I will be coming home from Nashville with new product. We have no idea what we’re going to get so it’s going to be a MAJOR surprise, for me and for you!”

First of all, I never received said email so this was QUITE a shocker.  In more ways than one.  I don’t think I’ve ever received a voicemail so amazing.  I have free money to spend?!  AND, there are new products to select from.  Hook it up, Annette.  Hook. It. Up.

I called Annette back but she couldn’t chat because she was checking into her hotel in Nashville, but she texted me later:  “OMG!!!! The product line is off the chain.  Bronzers, lip stains, lipsticks, up-all-night wipes and so much more!”

Umm, I’m sorry, but I buy my bronzer and lipstick from Lancome, girl.  What about the real goods?  The battery operated kind?

Then she wrote this:  “And new toys, too!”

Phew.  That…was a close one.

I just wanted to intro Annette with our most recent encounter, but I’ve been meaning to pimp her out on this blog anyway.  She has done 2 Pure Romance parties for me and I will never use anyone else when it comes time to gather the girls and fill our goodie drawers.  She. Is. The best.  Why?  Well, she’s fun, knows how to engage the crowd, and she has an arsenal of sex knowledge and tips.  Oh, and this is how she rolls.

That’s me at my 26th birthday.  And yes, those are vibrators in a rifle case.  Talk about…packing the heat.

For the last party I hosted with Kate as a “pre-Valentine’s” soiree, Annette brought a clearance bin and it was pretty much the most amazing thing ever.  Edible panties for $5?  Yes, please.  I mean, I probably wouldn’t pay more than $10, but I thought $5 was quite a steal.  Here we are checking out the goods:

Poor Natalie didn’t even see that shlong coming.  Literally.

Oh, and look who else showed up!

Wait a minute, is that….what I think it is!? Edward, put that back in your pants!!

JK.  I stuck that “Mr. Dependable” on him.  Wondering why I have a lifesize cut-out of Edward Cullen in my apartment?  Don’t worry about it.

So, basically if you want to do a sex toy party, Annette is your girl.  Check out her site, give her a buzz (ha) and prepare for a good time.  Better get her while she has all those new goods from Nashville, too.

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The Weekend’s Top 5

In case the title isn’t self-explanatory enough, I’m sharing my top 5 moments of the past weekend, because I don’t think I have one incident worthy enough of a whole blog entry.  I know.  How sad.  If only my neighbor would have broken in and puked on my couch or something….

1: Male Porn
One of my girlfriends (who will remain nameless, I guess) and I caught an episode of Real World: Las Vegas last weekend and the hottest male cast member admitted that he had been involved with a “male webcam-based site” in the past.  Obviously we had to check it out immediately, so we went straight to Frat Pad Dot Com and took the “free tour.”  I freaked out a little bit at first because I wasn’t expecting to see a big, flaccid you-know-what flopping around right off the bat, but I got over it.  Fast forward to this Friday night during a girls night in and 3 of us decided to pay $2 for a 2-day trial, because….well, why not.  I’m not going to talk about what we witnessed because this isn’t that kind of blog, you guys.  But, I had to watch with one eye closed.  Talk about…a one-eyed monster.  Go ahead and check it out for yourself…if you dare.

2: Pillow Fiiiiight!
Saturday was International Pillow Fight Day (yeah, I know – WTF, right?), which means about a hundred people got together in Freedom Park and had an all-out pillow brawl.  I had to go shoot the event for AOL and it was actually very entertaining.  This guy, however, doesn’t look so entertained….

Seriously, what’s his problem?

On the other hand, I think this is the cutest picture I’ve ever taken and/or seen.

3:  Dinner Conversation
Bakeshop does after-hours BYOB dinners that are amazing and delicious (3 courses, $40 a person, check out byobdinners.com for more info).  I went on Saturday night and about halfway through the first course, my friend Lauren (author of my favorite Atl blog besides my own), leaned across the table and said, “I know this may not be dinner talk, but…did your neighbor really pee on your couch?”  I think we all know the answer to that question, Lauren.

4.  KEVIN!!
If you’ve ever seen The Proposal, you may know about “Kevin,” the cutest dog in the universe (clip HERE).  Sunday, while we were laying out on the rooftop deck of Kate’s new house, we heard a puppy bark and peered over to the neighbor’s rooftop, only to catch catch a glimpse of a real-life Kevin!  And, his owner just lifted him right up so we could freak out over him.  And, we did.

5.  Face Time
I saw the Face Raper in person.  And, he’s extremely good-looking and tall.  And, that’s all I am authorized to say about that.

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OMG, like WTF is up w/ Emoticons These Days? :-) ROFL!

This week’s podcast with Sully of Dave FM explores the serious subject of emoticon overusage, especially when it comes to dudes.  :(  We also discuss a celeb sighting I had on the way to the station (most MAJOR celeb I’ve ever seen in person), aaaaaannnnddddd….the One Love Date Auction happening Thursday, April 7, which I am so freaking excited about and hope anyone who’s in Atl and available (as in, you don’t have plans, not that you have to be single), can come to!  :D  Click HERE (then click play) to listen and happy weekend!  <3 <3 <3

My Favorite April Fool’s Joke of All Time

My mom would wake me up every April Fool’s Day when I was a little girl and tell me that I had lost my front teeth or my hair had turned green in my sleep, before I could even process what day it was.  Then, there was the time she started screaming “There’s a dead body in that trunk!” when we saw one of those fake Halloween arms hanging out of a car in the parking lot of the Blue Hen Mall.  I was too old to believe it, but my brother started crying hysterically.  It was pathetic.  And priceless.  Anyway, my love for messing with people is clearly hereditary.  Which means I’m a damn good April Foolser.  At least I used to be.

Freshman year in college, I had my mom believing that my sketchy back-home ex-boyfriend was coming down to Clemson and planning on proposing.  Senior year in college I convinced both of my parents I had driven into a flooded area on a road trip to Atlanta and my car began filling with water.  Hearing my dad scream, “She just f*cking ruined her car!  Cindy, she just DROWNED her car!!!” in the background while I talked to my mom was priceless.  And just 2 years ago, I had a hell of a lotta’ folks convinced I was engaged just by changing my status and profile pic on Facebook.

But, sophomore year took the cake.

On spring break in Key West that year, I met a local boy named Jay and I was soooo in looooooove.  Can’t you tell?

We kept in touch after that and even made plans for me to come visit again after the school year ended (which I did).  My mom knew I was smitten with this kid, so once April Fool’s rolled around, I knew I had to get her.  I decided to have her believe I had basically quit school, packed my shit up and driven down to Key West to be with Jay.

I ignored my mom’s calls on my cell phone for a couple days in hopes she would call the apartment phone (yes, we had a landline) on April Fool’s.  And, she did.  Stephanie answered and when my mom asked for me, she pretended to cover up the earpiece and whispered to Bridget, “It’s Ashley’s mom; what should we do?!”  They left her hanging on the line like that for a bit, then Bridget took over.

“Cindy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Ashley went down to Key West to be with Jay.  She came into my room last night at 2 a.m. and said she just needed to be with him.  Her car was filled with clothes and everything else she could fit in there.”

My mom freaked, of course.  Who knows exactly what she said while I was sitting there on the couch, trying to stifle my hysterics.  Bridget continued.

“We don’t know what to do.  She has, like, 3 exams this week, too.”

That did it.  Skipping exams.  We knew it would put Cindy over the edge.  She hung up with Bridget and sprung into action.  Meanwhile, I was getting a play-by-play via Instant Message from my brother who was at home.

“Ashley, mom is freaking out.  She is running around the house.  Ohmygod, wait a minute.  She’s calling Aunt Penny.”

F*ck.  She was calling my aunt in Miami to see if she knew anything.  This….was going too far.  Exactly as it should have.

I let her freak for what I want to say was a couple hours, but it was probably only another 30 minutes.  My aunt called me after my mom called her and I had to tell her the truth (she’s way too sweet to prank), so I figured I may as well give it up before I put my mom in an early grave.

But, honestly, that’s what she gets for all those tricks she played on us as kids.  Justice…was served.

The Fake ID Chronicles: Volume 1

I have to visit the DMV today to get a replacement license.  Or, are they calling it the DDS these days?  Eh, who gives a f*ck.  But, anyway, it got me thinking about IDs and all the joy they’ve brought me and trouble they’ve gotten me into over the years.  So, I’m starting a lil’ something called the Fake ID Chronicles.  I have more fake ID stories than most, hence, the need for a series.  Let’s do this.

I got my first fake ID when I was 15.  My cousin Lindsay and I were heading down to Miami for a summer vacation to visit my aunt, uncle and cousin Scott, who’s 3 years my senior, and we decided that we needed IDs saying we were 18 to attempt to get into some classy 18-to-party establishments.  But, when we got to the guy’s house who was making them for us…I got greedy.

I wanted to be 21.

When my slightly blurry, yet somewhat believable 21-year-old New Jersey ID popped out of the dude’s printer, I felt like I was holding a winning lottery ticket in my hand.  Lindsay’s came out looking like her face had been digitally  scrambled and our ID dealer explained that some turned out better than others.  That truly solifidied my feelings of luck.  What if MINE had been the shitty one?!  I couldn’t even imagine.

Once we showed cousin Scott our IDs, he laughed in our faces and just took us to house parties all week.  But, don’t feel bad; partying with hot 18-year-old dudes was perfectly suitable for us, regardless of location.

When school started up again, I was a 16-year-old junior and the “girl with the fake.”  People started catching wind of it and the senior soccer guys we hung with were the first to “make the ask.”  They knew of the smallest, shittiest liquor store in the smallest, shittiest town right next to ours and convinced me I’d “be fine.”  I breezed in confidently, picked up some Popov vodka, cheap beer and wine and walked out with my purchases, feeling like the most badass girl in the world.  And, I was.

We boozed it up that night, probably cruised around in the Texaco parking lot, got late-night WaWa hoagies and went home.  I woke up the next morning, still reeling from my new badassness and came down to the kitchen where my parents were waiting for me with concerned faces.

F*ck.

“What’s up, guys?” I asked.

My dad spoke first.  “Ashley, we know you have a fake ID.”

My heart stopped.  This wasn’t happening.  I would do anything to protect my new identity.  I would lie.  I would cry.  I would say I had a change of heart and threw it out.  I would run away.  There was no way they were getting their hands on my winning lottery ticket.

He continued.  “And, all I’m going to say is that if we ever find bottles of Boone’s Farm in the trash again, you’re going to be in trouble.  You know better than that.”

And, he walked out.

I was stunned.  But, lesson learned.  No more Wild Berry wine for this girl.  Looks like it would be vodka and Mike’s Hard Lemonade from here on out.

That…was a close one.

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Assault with an Oral Weapon

Kissing.  Making Out.  Frenching.  1st Base.  Swapping spit (ew).  Whatever you want to call it, we’ve all been doing it for like, at least 8-10 years now at this point, right (assuming most of my readers are “of age”)?  I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday, but I’m not going to share those details because it was embarrassingly later than all my friends and it was totally gross and sometimes I still want to throw up in my mouth when I think about it.

Ohmygod, I just gagged.

But, seriously, don’t we all know how to kiss?  Even if we didn’t quite “get it” in middle or early high school, we figured it out by watching TV, movies, Internet porn, whatever.  Relax your lower lip, try to minimize your saliva, don’t use too much tongue (at first).  You know the drill.  Well…apparently some guys still DON’T know the drill.

While I was trying to rest up for the marathon, er, half-marathon on Saturday night, a girlfriend called me at 1 a.m. I silenced her, of course, but she left a panicked voicemail about something horrible that had just happened to her.  The next morning, I got the whole sleazy story.

She had been face raped.

Picture it:  SUPER cute guy, totally normal, met through mutual friends that night and he invited her back to his place for a nightcap.  Too bad nightcap meant FACE RAPE.  In this particular case, the “incident” started out with him grabbing her face and smushing her cheeks and lips together the way your grandparents would do if they hadn’t seen you in a while.  Then, he proceeded to make out with her smushed-up mouth.  After that, he started kissing her (or what he thought was kissing) with such quick, forceful movements that her head started banging into the wall repeatedly.

For the record, head banging against a headboard during you-know-what: ok.  Head banging against a wall during a makeout: NOT. OK.

Then, he completed the deed with about 12 full-on face licks.  Face. Licks. Like a dog would lick your face.  Only worse.  Because he was a human.  And it happened 12 times.

Why did she proceed to let this face rape happen for so long, through cheek smushing, head banging and a dozen face licks?  Well, for one, she was stunned.  Two…she couldn’t get away.  When she finally broke free from the face raper, she made up a story about needing to get home to her dog (who doesn’t even lick her face like that), bolted and ran out into the city streets, arms flailing about for a cab.  Poor girl.

But more importantly, poor guy.  How has no one told him this is just NOT acceptable?  Or, maybe someone has told him and he just thinks his style is better?  What does he think when he sees a makeout on TV or in the movies?  That THEY are the weird ones?

I guess we’ll never know.  But, let this be a lesson to anyone out who thinks they have a “unique” kissing style.  You don’t.  If you’re doing anything that involves smushing or licking a face, or performing any sort of act that resembles giving your kissing partner an oral exam with your own tongue, just stop it.  You’re face raping.  And, it’s a crime.

Am I a Cougar?

Well, now that I have your attention.  I don’t REALLY question whether or not I’m a cougar, but it DOES seem like the cute, successful younger guys have been coming out of the woodwork lately.  (Am I right?  Or just getting older?)  One in particular who was way under, um, my age limit brought this to light, and Sully and I discussed the deets on last Friday’s podcast, as well the BIG NEWS about Sunday alcohol sales in Georgia (ie. our “coming out of the dark ages” party is within sight), and my last-minute decision to attempt the Georgia half-marathon sans training (see post below).

Click to listen HERE!

Podcast Blast

Sully of Dave FM and I are back at it!   No, I don’t mean we’re hooking up (you guys and your dirty minds, I swear), but just that we got the ol’ podcast up and running again.

betty white snl radio

I’m sharing the latest we did last week and the 2 before that in case you’re interested in hearing us talk about sex and dating, social media, City of Atlanta being the fun police, how sick of Charlie Sheen we are, and much more. If you think my laugh is annoying, you might not want to listen. And, you can also go eff yourself.

First up:
1. Guys are the clingy ones these days! What….is up with that? Also, take our “quiz” to see if you are indeed…a Stage 5 clinger.
2. Who’s the next celeb to go off the deep end, Charlie Sheen style?
3. Sully shaves his head for a cause. ‘Nuff said.
Listen HERE!

Previous:
1. How soon should you text after a first date?  Should the girl even text first?
2. City of Atlanta shut down 2 awesome street food vendors.  Way to be lame, guys.
3. Listen HERE!

Even more previous:
1. Studies say texting/social media is leading to sex sooner!  AWESOME!  Or not?
2. Atlanta may get out of the dark ages and allow Sunday alcohol sales.  Sully updates us on booze in the news.
3. I announce my position as the new editor of DailyCandy Atlanta.  Woot!
Listen HERE!

Genuine thanks to everyone who listens!  And, ideas for topics are always welcome, so send ‘em if you have ‘em!

Turkey Tiiiime!

It’s Thanksgiving – the day when we reflect on all that we’re thankful for.  I’m thankful for, of course, my family, friends, my dog,  and my health, but there are a lot of other things I’m thankful for.  Like Kellan Lutz’s abs.

I’m currently gathering major material for my post-Thanksgiving blog entry (I swear!) including a trip to one of the most infamous strip clubs in the country (besides the Clermont, of course).

In the meantime, take a listen to the latest podcast I did with Sully of Dave FM (please?).  We talk about TSA fondling (total BS, by the way), a party that I missed last night (ps: Big Boi showed up and did a surprise performance), aaaand, my knowledge (or lack thereof) of Delaware history.  And, history in general.  It’s my favorite podcast we’ve done so far.  Although, we have only done 3.  Click HERE to listen, then click on PLAY.

CHEERS and Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Full Mooning

Here I go again, slackin’ on my bloggin’.  I’ve just been soooo busy (don’t you HATE when people say that?).

Anyway, just a quick note in case you’re looking for the party of the CENTURY tomorrow night (ok, so maybe just the party of the month…or at least the week).  Liza and I will be hosting a Full Moon party at the W Buckhead in honor of….wait for it…the full moon.  This will be the 3 Wolf Moon edition and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you MUST listen to my podcast.  This 6 minutes of hot mess-ness also features open discussion about sex addiction and how unattractive, fat dudes can get laid by the power of a tee shirt.

Click HERE and then click on the PLAY button.  It’s so easy…and so worth it.  At least, I hope so.

And, let me know if you’d like to attend the Full Moon 3 Wolf Moon extravaganza tomorrow and I’ll put you on my guest list.  Liza and I will have bottles of liquor to spread around (while supplies last) and there will be free moon pies given out (mmmm moon pies).

Actual mooning is optional, but encouraged….and could get you arrested.  So, do it at your own risk.