The Bachelor Season 58 Finale was last night and the squeaky clean Jake chose the quintessential bad girl, Vienna.  Shocker.

First of all, this leaked at the very beginning of the season, so I knew all along that Vienna was going to win, but even had I NOT known, I still would have been 99% sure that she was going to go home with that ice-skating rink on her left ring finger.

Why?, you ask.

I think it’s pretty obvious.  Jake made mention numerous times that he couldn’t believe all these hot girls were into him.  He appeared to be in shock every time he made out with a pretty blonde or a former swimsuit model.  He got tongue-tied any time things would get hot and heavy.  I mean, hell, the guy barely knew how to FLIRT!

NEWSFLASH:  Jake has been a dork his entire life.  And, no, I don’t mean “dork” in the sense of a computer nerd with glasses and shaggy hair and no fashion sense, but still totally endearing and witty in his own kind of way.  I’m talking straight-up SQUARE.  Doesn’t curse, barely drinks (inside sources have confirmed this), probably never even stole a pack of gum in middle school.  I bet he’s probably had missionary sex 99% of the time since he lost his virginity (which, who knows, could have been last year) and thought he was “gettin’ crazy” that one time when a “wild ex-girlfriend” got on top for 30 seconds.

And, THAT’s why it came down to Tenley, the total “good girl” package, and Vienna, the “wild child.”  He picked the one that he THOUGHT he should be with and the one that he couldn’t believe actually liked him.  The virgin (well, almost) and the tramp.  But, I guess I can’t blame the guy.  When you only get to know these people for a month, wouldn’t you pick the one that’s giving you a little extra something when the cameras go off?  I can just hear Jake now:  “Oh golly gee, I’ve never done THIS before.”

And, poor Tenley never saw it coming, even when Jake eluded to their lack of physical chemistry on their last overnight date.  Of course, when she pressed the issue, he just backpedaled and never gave her a straight answer for why the sexual interaction wasn’t up to par.  I can think of one reason.  It starts with a “B” and rhymes with “Toe Mob.”

I thought the whole premise of this season was to show that nice guys don’t finish last.  But, instead, I think the lesson learned was that nice GIRLS actually DO finish last when they’re dealing with a guy who’s never landed a big-breasted bleached blonde with a knack for fellatio, and is making up for lost time.

So, that being said – CHEERS to Jake and Vienna!  Maybe she can loosen him up a little bit.  And Tenley, you’ll find love one day.  Just lose the baby voice and start brushing up on your Kama Sutra.

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If this recap was not extensive enough, check out this hilarious Bachelor finale recap on one of my favorite blogs, Redacted,  HERE.

Well, the 2010 Winter Olympics are over.  And, to be completely honest, I only watched them when they were being shown in a bar I was in, which means, what I did see, I may not even remember.  However, while I may not have tuned in sober, I saw (and heard) enough to do an extensive re-cap of the games.  Here are my highlights (and lowlights) from the 2010 Winter Olympics.

1.  Shaun White.

I have a crush on him.  And don’t EVEN ask me why.

I have NEVER had a thing for fire crotches; in fact, I think they might be the one species of male that I HAVEN’T had some sort of “interaction” with in my 11 years of being on the dating scene.  But, for some reason, I have a crush on the “Flying Tomato” himself.  Or, as he prefers to be called:  “Animal.”  You know, like from the Muppet Babies.

I like Shaun so much that I regressed back to my middle school days and ripped a picture of him out of a magazine to hang on my wall.  Well, actually I had Natalie rip the page for me.  And, I didn’t really want to put it on my wall.  So, I found a better place for it.

Yup, that’s right.  That’s my New Moon calendar.  And, I’m not ashamed.  Coincidentally enough, February was a picture of Jacob (and I’m Team Edward), so I had been wanting to cover that up anyway.

See?  I told you.  Middle school.

*

2. Curling.

What the F*CK is up with this sport?!

I don’t want to offend any Canadians (as curling is, sadly, their national sport), but COME ON!  I mean, it looks like it COULD be fun.  If I was drunk.

That’s right. I said it.  Curling should be a drinking game.  NOT an Olympic game.  How hilarious would it be to have a drink (or 10) and get out there with your friends and do whatever the hell it is that they’re doing on the ice?  Best part:  you don’t even wear skates!  I could totally handle this while intoxicated.

And, if not a drinking game, then it should be classified as a “senior citizen activity.”  Much like another senior activity I’m thinking of.

That’s right, Canada.  I compared curling to shuffleboard and I’m proud of it.

If curling can be in the Olympics, then why not beer pong?  Or Monopoly for that matter?  I don’t understand this and I don’t think I ever will.  However, if they ever DO bring beer pong into the Olympics, I’ll totally re-think my stance on this matter.

Speaking of Canadians and booze, that brings me to my next high/lowlight…

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3.  The Canadian Women’s Drinking Team.

Now, when I saw these photos of the Canadian Women’s Hockey team partying on the ice, I REALLY wanted to pat them on the back….

HuffingtonPost.com

…until I realized they were celebrating because they beat the US.  Then, I kinda wanted to slap them…while still applauding them for their celebratory antics of champagne and cigars.  I’m still torn on this one.

And, I want a champagne bottle that big.

*

3.  The Scotty Lago scandal.

Whooo-eeeee.  I saved the best for last.  I love this story.  If you’re not familiar (which I’m sure you are, since I’M the one that didn’t watch the Olympics), Scotty got sent home from Vancouver after some “racy” photos surfaced of him, his bronze medal and a sassy young lady in a suggestive pose.

Whoooopsiiiieee.  I guess Scotty didn’t get the memo to keep your medal around your NECK, not your waist.  Rookie mistake.  And, I just want to know:  WHAT…would that girl have done for the gold?

However, I can totally relate to Scotty.  And, I’m going to go on record and say that if I was in the Olympics and got a medal, I think I would be sent home for something similar.  If you’re only going to win a bronze, you may as well go out with a bang.  Luckily, I’m already prepared to take these kind of photos if I ever DO win an Olympic medal.  Chesley and I practiced back in October with our own personal photo shoot.

Sochi, Russia – home of the 2014 Winter Olympic games:   Here I come!

Two nights ago, while most of the country was tuning into “Lost,” I was watching a much more stimulating program: MTV’s “Teen Mom Reunion Special.” Oh, you don’t think that’s intellectual television? Well, maybe this will change your mind: DR. DREW was hosting it. That’s right, America’s favorite (and hottest) “doctor” was on the stage with the 4 teen moms themselves, giving viewers a glimpse into the joys of teen motherhood. For those of you that don’t watch “Teen Mom,” the basic gist is this: there are 4 teen girls, 3 of which are mothers, and 1 of whom chose to give her baby up for adoption (Catelynn). One mother is not in contact with her baby’s daddy (Farrah), and the other 2 have boyfriends who are either truly repulsive (Amber’s man) or an idiot without a soul (Maci’s). NOW, don’t you wish you watched this season?

So, Dr. Drew had each of the girls on stage to explain their current situation and get us all caught up on their amazing lives.

From left to right:  Farrah, Catelynn, Amber and Maci

And now, on to my highlights of the show.

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MACI

Maci is a pretty, fair-skinned, light-haired girl….usually.  She’s also a very busy girl as she has to balance caring for her son, Bentley,  trying to stay on top of her online college course, and having meaningless conversations with her worthless baby’s daddy, Ryan.  But, SOMEhow, in between the time the “Teen Mom” regular season ended and the Reunion Special aired, she found time….to go tanning with Snooki.

Look at that orange glow!  What happened to this poor girl!?  And look at her hair!  I could be overreacting here, but that looks to me like the early stages of a Snooki Poof!  Did “Jersey Shore” really have this much impact on the other MTV reality show starlets?  Sister, just because you’re on the same network doesn’t mean you have to follow their example!

Which brings me to my next case.

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FARRAH

While texting with my friend, Alison, during this exhilarating program, she brought to my attention that a rumor had surfaced about Farrah (the MILF of the show) hooking up with…wait for it….Pauly D.  As in, DJ Pauly D.  From “Jersey Shore.”  The one and only.  At first, I thought she was just yanking my chain, but indeed, the rumor was circulating.

Here’s the story, which was posted on FoxNews.com.  So, not only do we know it’s true…but we also know it’s fair and balanced.

It’s a match made at MTV.

It looks like “Jersey Shore” star Pauly D (AKA Paul Delvecchio) is dating “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham, a source tells FOX411.com exclusively.

Pauly, who canoodled with JWOWW on the show, and who just signed with Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph, was deejaying at a club in Houston, Texas, recently, and Farrah was there at his side, spies told FOX411.com. (Pauly reportedly charges upward of $7,000 per gig.)

Farrah hails from Iowa, so she must have made a special trip to see Pauly spin.

Wow.  All I can say is that this story is going to need to be watched very, very closely.  AND, I think we could have a match here.  With Pauly D nearing 30, it’s about time he settled down, and  I honestly can’t think of a better father figure.  Looks like he’ll be trading in GTL for GTD:  Gym. Tan. Diapers.

Image courtesy of entertainment.blogs.foxnews.com

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AMBER

Now, THIS was a doozy.  But, before I begin, let’s see a picture of Amber’s baby’s daddy, Gary.

What…a hot piece of ass.

So, Gary and Amber are in the hot seat with Dr. Drew and proceed to tell him and the live studio audience that they NEVER “make love” without a condom.  Ew.  First of all, Gary, please never utter the words “make love” again.  They continue to elaborate on how safe they have been ever since their first mistake, how using condoms is so important, etc, etc, etc.  I’m thinking, Well good for them!  We don’t need Gary procreating more than he already has.

Then, out of the blue, Amber drops THIS bomb:

Wait for it…

Ready?

She thinks that she’s pregant again.  Wait, WHAT?! I had to rewind my DVR…twice.  She said that she just has that feeling that she’s pregant again (since she knows that feeling so well, obviously).  Gary thought she was joking…at first.  Dr. Drew was at a loss for words, along with everyone else in the studio.  And, then MTV cut to a commerical break.  And that was the last anyone heard of it.  Confused?  Yeah, join the club.

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CATELYNN

Catelynn and her fiance, Tyler, who gave their baby up for adoption, are the cutest pair on the show.  I don’t have much to say about them except that I had been watching the whole season with confusion about their parental situation and finally, during the Reunion, Alison clarified for me via text.  Throughout the whole season, when Catelynn or Tyler were hanging out with their parental figures, the male half of the parental unit was referred to as “Tyler’s Dad” and the female half as “Catelynn’s Mom.”  And during the whole season, I thought I was just hallucinating.  But, it’s true.  Tyler’s dad IS with (dating, married to, who knows)  Catelynn’s mom.  And now, Catelynn and Tyler are engaged. What…a family.

I mean, I don’t even know what’s the bigger WTF here:  Catelynn and Tyler’s hot parental mess or the potential of Amber being pregant again?  And, then there’s the other two who we’ll probably be seeing on the second season of “Jersey Shore.”  Babies in the shore house?  I wouldn’t mind…as long as they keep them out of the hot tub.

And that, my friend, is why I watch this shit.  To feel better about my own life.

And because “Lost” confuses me.

The Grammys are the only “serious” (read: excluding MTV) awards show that I really care about.  However, last year’s show…how do I put this lightly…sucked ass.  Robert Plant and Alison Kraus swept the awards, and what they didn’t take home, Coldplay did.  Kings of Leon did win for Best Rock Performance but even that wasn’t enough to lift my spirits.  Luckily, the “Swagger Like Us” performance (you remember – with MIA dressed in that ladybug-esque get-up and about to give birth at any moment), salvaged the evening enough for me to not boycott the Grammys completely.

Needless to say, I didn’t have high hopes for this year’s Awards.  In fact, I had extreme anxiety because Kings of Leon (read: my favorite band long before they went…sigh…”mainstream”), and Beyonce (my celebsession) were up for numerous awards against Taylor “Ohmygosh, I can’t believe I won again!” Swift.  But, I held my breath…and tuned in anyway.

Here are my top 12 (for better or for worse) moments of the 2010 Grammy Awards:

1. Opening performance with Lady Gaga and Elton John.  But, ONLY because of the unlikely collaboration.  Ever since Gaga’s 2009 VMA performance of “Paparazzi,” I expect a little more shock factor.  Sure, she had a dirty face and nappy hair while playing that crazy piano, but where…was the blood?

That’s more like it.

2. “Single Ladies” won for Song of the Year…..and I stopped holding my breath.  I have loved this song from the first time I heard it, but ever since I dressed up as Bey for Halloween, learned the Single Ladies dance and then performed it in front of a crowd at Twisted Taco, it’s had a whole new importance in my life.  Here’s proof.

3. Surprise performance of the night:  Beyonce.  Why, you ask?  Because we didn’t see her bikini line for once.  Can you remember the last time you saw her sans leotard during a performance?  Didn’t think so.

Not to mention she covered Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know.”  Ouch.  Maybe it’s just me but isn’t it a bit of a slap to cover an artist’s song without them…while they’re still alive….and still making music?  AND, I doubt Alanis was even invited to the Grams.  Double slap.

4. Pink’s performance.  Because water isn’t used NEARLY enough in award shows.  We need more water-based performances and more camera shots of horrified audience members that spent hours and dropped a hundy (or 5) on their hairdos.

5. Zac Brown’s perfectly orchestrated acceptance speech.  I would have loved to see that rehearsal.  “Ok guys, listen.  We’re going to divvy this up.  John, you thank PR, management and the stage crew.  Jimmy, you thank the sound guys and the label.  Coy, you thank our families.”    What…a performance.

6. Jamie Foxx’s outfit during his performance.  How…did he get to borrow Britney’s “Circus” tour jacket?  And, more importantly, how did he get a hold of Jessica Simpson’s mom jeans?!  I figured she burned those after, well, you know.

7. Kings of Leon won 3 of the 4 Grammys they were nom’d for:  Record of the Year, Best Rock Song and Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group, all for “Use Somebody.”  However, the only one of these awards that was televised was Record of the Year.  And just for the record, they DID televise Best Comedy Album.  Great decision, Grams.  Here’s the webcam pic KoL took at the Awards:

You go…boys.

8. The hot mess that was the Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks performance.  My question – had they ever heard of each other before they stepped on stage together?  Stevie looked she got pushed out there with a tambourine and forced to sing the tween anthem of the year against her will.

9. Michael Jackson’s kids:  more eloquent speakers than most grown-up award recipients.  I won’t name any names.

11. Em….m, D..ke and Lil W…ne’s perfor…ce of  “For…r.”    I j..st wo..d h..ve lik..d to he..r m..re of it.

12. I’m not going to address Album of the Year.  But, I will say that when the winner was announced, Dewey immediately jumped up from his bed and started running around the house barking like a maniac…and crying.  True story.

Thanks to everyone who read yesterday’s blog and commented!  I am fresh out of passes, but hope to give away free stuff again sometime soon.

And just for the record – Step Up got the most votes for favorite Channing Tatum movie.

That’s what I’m talking about.

And remember, Dear John opens in theaters everywhere on February 5.  Let the drooling begin.

Finally!  A chance to offer a perk to my blog readers (besides the general feeling of “wow, I’m glad I’m not a hot mess like her” that I give to you on a daily basis).  Before you read any further, please know that if you finish reading this blog, there’s a good chance you’re going to get FREE tickets to see Dear John tomorrow night.  This is not a ploy to get you to keep reading.  Well, to be fair…technically it IS…but I DO have tickets to give away.  Happy reading!

So, here’s the thing with me.  I don’t tend to get starstruck, I don’t obsess over celebrities and I don’t have posters of hot guys that I’ll never meet hanging in my house  (with the exception of my New Moon calendar that may or may not stay on the same month all year ’round).  But,  I still think that everyone has a “Number One” – that ONE celeb of the opposite sex you really would die to make-out with, have babies with or, at the very least, shake hands with.  When you see movie trailers, TV previews or an especially hot pic of him or her in US Weekly, you swoon.  If anything about his or her significant other crosses your path, you pretend you didn’t see it.  And, most of the time,  you’d actually prefer to watch and/or look at your Number One in private because you tend to get yourself, well…worked up.

My Number One is Channing Tatum.  It’s been him ever since Step Up.  No, I take that back – ever since She’s the Man with Amanda Bynes in 2K6.  You know what, it actually even goes FARTHER back than that to the under-the-radar basketball flick, Coach Carter, in 2K5.  Wow.  The obsession has officially been half a decade in the making.  And, yes, I did just reference She’s the Man.

So, when I saw the previews for Dear John, I may or may not have almost hyperventilated.

Then, when I realized it was filmed in Charleston (my second favorite place on Earth), I really freaked.  THEN, one night while pre-gaming before going out, my friend Meghan Murphy from Allied Integrated Marketing (read: big-time movie PR/Marketing firm) drops the bomb that she’s  GOING to Charleston when the movie comes out for a premiere WITH Channing.  I spit my wine out with shock, but quickly regained composure and immediately called her bluff.  How could she?! But, as the days passed, I slowly started to realize she may have been serious.  I put it out of my mind and booked a trip to Miami the weekend she claimed she would be in Charleston, so I wouldn’t drive my crazed ass across the border (to South Carolina, that is) and put Meghan’s and my friendship (and her job) on the line by stalking her and Channing’s every move.

Turns out, Meghan did indeed go to Charleston this past weekend….and she WAS with HIM (and his whole crew, of course).  What…a backstabber.  I did make her keep me updated throughout the weekend, though.  Here are some of my favorite BBMs:

Me: update me on Channing please

Meghan:  I am his handler in Charleston.  I am on the plane – he comes tomorrow.

Me:  are you f*cking kidding me?!! i just died.

Later…

Meghan:  Fergie, Duchess of York, is staying at my hotel!  On the way to pick up Channing.

Me:  is Josh Duhamel there?

Meghan:  Not that Fergie!

Me:  Kidding.

Later….

Meghan:  at dinner at ____.

Me:  i hate you.  i want to cry.

Meghan:  he brought his wife – she’s super cool.

Me:  well you 3 have fun. going to bed.  i feel naus i’m so jeal  (That’s:  “I feel nauseous I’m so jealous” for you non-abbrev’ers).

Meghan kept me updated, while, of course, respecting the privacy of all parties involved, but even the smallest tidbits she shared with me were enough to set me over the edge.  My last message to her on Sunday night (the night of the premiere) was:  That’s it.  We are no longer friends.

Apparently, Meghan didn’t take that message very seriously.  She sent me the link to this video the very next day.

Yup, that’s her.  Right behind Channing.  That. Bitch.

Now, here’s the fun part…and the reason why Meghan and I are still friends.  She sent me movie passes for a screening of Dear John tomorrow (Thursday, Jan. 28) at Phipps Plaza at 7:30 p.m., and (due to some scheduling conflicts with some friends), I have a decent amount of extras that I’d like to share.  Free passes to see Channing’s chiseled face and bod on the big screen CANNOT go to waste.  Especially because the movie doesn’t hit theaters until February 5 – yes, 8 whole days later!

ALL you have to do to be entered to win a pass (good for you and a guest), is comment on this blog entry with the title of your favorite Channing Tatum movie!  The first X number of people to do this will get the passes, and I’ll contact you about drop-off/pick-up.   Oh, and one thing I MIGHT ask you to do after you get the tix is to post the link to www.hesseltime.com on your Facebook or Twitter.  But that’s not so hard, is it?

Cheers!

Last week on The Bachelor, Elizabeth (read: über-hot Megan Fox lookalike) told Jake that they would NOT be kissing unless she was the last one standing.

Apparently, Liz has never seen The Bachelor.  FYI, sister:  there’s supposed to be a PROPOSAL at the end. And, if not a proposal, then a “winner” has just been selected over 24 other girls to be in a long-term relationship with The Bachelor.  Personally, I wouldn’t advise the dude to pick a girl he hadn’t slept with.  How can you buy a car without test-driving it first?  But, not even to KISS?  Sister, what the HELL are you thinking putting something out there like that?  I don’t care how hot you are – telling a guy you’re not going to kiss him unless he puts a ring on your finger (or promises one in the future) is just about the stupiest effing thing I’ve ever heard of in 14 (yes, 14) seasons of The Bachelor…and MAYBE even in my life.

Jake actually wasn’t as offended and/or appalled as a typical guy might be and thought this was rather endearing…until she started putting her hands down his pants whenever the other girls weren’t around and whispering “how bad do you want to kiss me?” in his ear.  Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit, but it was essentially just like that.  “Kiss” came out of her mouth every 5 seconds in some form or other.  “I really want to kiss you…but I can’t.”  “You should definitely want to kiss me; I’m a great kisser.”  “Blah blah blah…kiss me…blah blah f*cking blah.”

What…a cock tease.  I’m sorry, sister, but if you’re going to be a tease, at least be a GOOD tease.  Keep it undercover.  Don’t scream at the guy with your every action:  “Hey I’m a tease!!  Come and TRY to get it, big boy!”  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Oh, and just for the record, Tenley, the girl who has only slept with one person in her life (ie. her ex husband) kissed Jake on the first night.  Yup, that’s right.  An ACTUAL good girl slipped him the tongue within hours of their meeting.

In the words of Chelsea Handler:  you go….girl.

This leads me to another point.  Since when is kissing such a big deal?  If some dude walked in my house right now and asked me to make out with him, I probably would…provided he was good-looking and not intending to rob or murder me.

So, THIS week on the show, Elizabeth was up to her same tricks…pun intended.  Before she got her alone time with Jake, the girls had to do a stand-up act and Liz pulled out all the raunchy stops…SO  MUCH that ABC had to BLEEP OUT her commentary.  I even turned on Closed Captioning in an attempt to translate her dirty improv, but all I could gather was that it had something to do with being exhausted by a man with multiple penises OR by multiple guys (with one penis each).  Sweet Jake laughed nervously from the rafters above the stage.  Poor guy.

Later in the show, she sidled up to Jake during their alone time, practically on his lap, per usual, and the conversation went like this:

Elizabeth:  “I’m going to ask you a really hard question.”  (It may have just been me, but she emphasized the word “hard”).  “Are you good at backrubs?”

Oh geezus.  Give it a rest, girl.  Asking for a back rub is the worldwide code for “I’m ready to get it on” and everyone knows it.

Jake, in his aside to the camera:  “I think I’m sitting here with the queen of mixed signals.”

That Jake.  Such…a genius.

The rest of the convo proceeds with these highlights:

Liz:  “You want to kiss me.”

Jake mumbles something, looking bored out of his mind, about as irritated as Kanye at an awards show, and not buying her act one bit. Cue:  “the face.”

But she proceeds.

Liz:  “I do want to kiss you.”

Jake:  “You know, I’ve known couples that have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons…but I don’t think that’s what it’s about with you.”

There he goes again with his genius revelations.

Liz:  “I’m not teasing you.”

Jake:  continuing to take this in, still looking as exhausted as F*CK for having this conversation for as long as he’s had it already.

But the “queen of mixed signals” keeps going.

Liz:  “So, you need to kiss me to feel it for me?”

More exhausted commentary from Jake.

Liz:  “I really do want to kiss you.  I do.”

At this point, my roommate’s ANTI-any-chick-show boyfriend, who is on his computer with his HEADPHONES on catching up on the Conan/Leno feud, looks up and asks, “How many times has she said “kiss” in the last minute?”

Just for the record, I don’t think he’s ever commented on the stupid shows we watch.  Ever.

Luckily, another broad interrupts before Jake has to endure any more games, busts up the kissing talk, untangles Elizabeth from Jake’s torso, and and whisks him away. Liz was NOT happy.  She had still planned to mention a hot-and-heavy (but forbidden) make-out sesh AT LEAST 5 more times, all while licking her lips and tossing her hair.

Elizabeth to the camera:  “I’m actually shocked by this conversation tonight.  I can’t believe he thinks I’m playing games with him.”

Then, this gem:  “I don’t understand why he’s pressuring me to kiss him.”

That’s it.  This girl…is truly despicable.  Get. Her. Off. The. Air.

And that’s exactly what Jake did.  Kicked her cock-teasing ass out the door.  You can’t do that shiz, ladies.  It’s one thing to have morals and tell a guy you don’t kiss on the first date, give BJs before you’re exclusive, bone before marriage, etc.  But, don’t put your hands down his pants when you’re saying it.  Some guys will fall for it, but for the most part, if the dude has a brain (and 15 other hot chicks to choose from), it’s not going to work.  Know your audience before you start the performance.

On Elizabeth’s way out, she comes up to Jake, putting on the most coy, sexy smile she can muster after not receiving a rose, and says:

Wait for it…

“I should have kissed you.”

Boom.  And, THAT’s why I continue to watch this show every season.  Stupid girls have been, and always will be, quality entertainment.