You may remember that I reported my car stolen (police report and everything) in November, only to realize that I just misplaced it while I was out drinking one night.  If you haven’t read that post, then stop right now and read here.  This “mishap” has, well, defined me ever since.  I’m officially “the girl who lost her car.”  My friends still tease me from time to time, but it’s my family that absolutely refuses to let it go.  When my dad said what he was thankful for before Thanksgiving dinner, he said he was thankful I “found” my car.  My cousins and brother teased me relentlessly over Thanksgiving break, and my aunt and uncle brought it up every chance they got.  I took it in stride, but thought that MAYBE after Thanksgiving, my family would start forgetting about it.  No such luck.

Every year, someone is targeted on Chrismas morning with some highly orchestrated gag gift.  Last year, my parents targeted my Uncle Scott, so I was in on it, but this year, I had no idea who was going to be in the hot seat.  Literally.

After everyone opened presents and started moving into the living room for brunch, my family stopped me in the family room where a huge box had appeared and a swivel chair sat to the right of it.  What….was going on? They motioned me to sit down.  I never could have anticipated what was coming next.  But, I knew I needed to get it on video.

My aunt and uncle whipped out a stack of papers and began passing them out to everyone but me (yes, grandparents included), and announced that the song they were about to sing will be to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.”  Shoot…me…now.

Here’s the entire video:  the serenade I received for Christmas along with a one-of-a-kinda “gift” I will treasure forever.   I may even insure it.  The lyrics are also below if you would like to sing along.

Ashley the Tipsy Writer
Sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Good Ashley & Jeff, good Lindsay & Jack
Good Ashli & Scott, good Ali & Matt
But do you recall…. the most infamous tribe member of all?

Ashley the Tipsy writer
Started a very witty blog,
And if you ever read it
You’d know ‘bout Dewey the dog.

Most of the other entries
Refer to booze and champagne.
You’ll always find dear Ashley
Playing diff’rent drinking games.

Then one ‘foggy’ late fall night
Ashley lost her car.
Wasn’t this the third damn time?!
Surely this must be a crime!

Then both her parents freaked out
As they shouted out with alarm -
“Ashley, you Tipsy Writer
Stay sober or you’ll come to harm!”

So, the old saying rings true.  There really is NO place like home for the holidays.  Interpret how you like.

Every year, my brother, Matt, and I have to ask my mom what to get for my grandmother (Gram) and our step-grandfather, Davey, for Christmas.  She talks to them more than we do and always keeps notes of what they might need so she can let us know when it comes time for holiday shopping…which is usually at the last minute.  I was up in Delaware for the holidays and Matt, Cory (my BFF) and I were heading down to the beach to finish up some shopping so we hit Mom up to see what Gram and Davey needed.

“Well, Davey asked for a comb and brush set,” she said matter-of-factly.

I almost spit out my coffee.

“Wait….seriously?” I asked.  “Davey has like, 7 hairs on his head…if that.  Are you sure it’s not GRAM who needs the comb and brush?”

She informed me that she thought it was strange at first, too, so she confirmed with Gram, and yes, the comb and brush set was in fact one of the items on Davey’s wish list. W….TF. I assured her that Matt and I were on the job…even though we weren’t quite sure of the purpose.

Below is a photo of Gram and Davey.  They are the cutest couple and I love them to death, but I just have to poke a little fun at the fact that a man with Davey’s lack of locks could be asking for a comb AND a brush for Christmas.  Not just a comb.  Not just a brush.  A. Whole. Set.

I mean, that’s like me asking for a Double D bra for Christmas.  It just doesn’t make sense.

We finished up most of our shopping at the beach and were headed back home when Matt swung into the CVS for our last purchase.  I figured I better get it on camera as I probably wouldn’t ever shop for a comb and brush set for a bald man ever again.

I considered taping Davey when he opened his gift on Christmas morning, but decided to keep my family exploitation at a minimum for the holidays.  My mom did come up to me later and told me that Gram told her he really liked his comb and brush set.  All I can say is more power to him – maybe his optimism will grow him a full head of hair.  As a matter of fact, I might adopt this way of thinking and go buy myself a pair size 2 jeans.

A week before Christmas, the girls and I planned to attend to the X-Mix party presented by Mixtape Atlanta at Star Bar, and to gain entry, we would have to give $10 or $5 and a new, unwrapped toy.  There was no question that I would be doing the $5-plus-toy option.  Personally, I love shopping for toys.  When I was a kid, I would get so excited for my mom to take me to the toy store, where I would purchase a new Barbie with my saved-up allowance, and I get just as excited to shop for adult toys today, whether in the privacy of someone’s home at a Pure Romance party or at Inserection on Cheshire Bridge Rd. (in my humble opinion, the best toy store in the city).

I headed over to CVS before the party to pick up my toy and perused the rather extensive selection in aisle 9…when I saw the perfect item.  I snatched it up and headed to the register.

Flash forward to the car ride to the party, where we all whipped out our toys to show each other.

Clearly…Barbies were the popular choice this year.

Katie even dug out one of her special Barbies for the occasion – one that she planned to sell on E-Bay and was  STILL in the box!  Figures, the schoolteacher would  take it to the next level when children were concerned.

Louisa’s sad face is clearly a result of her realizing she had the lamest toy.  As a matter of fact…that might even be a dog toy (yes, I realize it IS a dog…but it might also be FOR a dog.  I think I saw it in the PetSmart bargain bin last week, actually).

Then…I whipped out my toy.

That’s right.  Handcuffs.  When I saw them in CVS, I knew they were the perfect item.   I could only hope that some sweet, innocent little girl would use the cuffs to play Cops and Robbers with the neighbors boys throughout her childhood, put them away when she realized she was too mature for those kind of foolish games, then dig them out 15 years later and show her boyfriend a whole new way of playing Cops and Robbers.

I knew I made the right toy selection when the Toys for Tots officer stopped me after I dropped the cuffs in the drop-box to commend me on my donation.

It was official:  my gift was going to help brighten a child’s Christmas Day.  I just hoped that child doesn’t have kinky parents or older siblings that would want to take them for themselves for Christmas night.

Kate and I went out in Buckhead on Saturday, and while we weren’t going to East Andrews, we decided to try to park there to save a couple bucks.  We pulled up and I immediately noticed that the valet attendant was seriously distraught.  His shoulders were hunched, he looked like he was on the verge of tears, he was walking around aimlessly, dragging his feet.  It was obvious that someone had just killed his puppy or his girlfriend had just pulled up, dumped him and drove away.  I rolled down my window and asked him if we would be allowed to park there even though we were going to a different bar.  He mumbled that he didn’t care what we did and even told me I could self-park in a reserved East Andrews spot.  When…does that ever happen?  At this point, the curiosity was killing me and I just had to ask.

“So, what’s wrong with you?”

He hesitated, but then ‘fessed up.  “I’m just really upset because….<<dramatic sigh>>…..I’m missing this documentary right now.”

What??  A documentary?  Hasn’t he heard of of DVR?  Or even an old-school VC-freaking-R?

“Well can’t you just DVR it?” I asked.  “Or have a friend DVR it for you?”  He just shook his head.  Ok, now I had to know what it was about.  I couldn’t think of anything that would make me THIS upset to miss….even a Jersey Shore meets The Hills special featuring special guests Channing Tatum and Rob Pattinson.

“Well….what is the documentary about?” I asked.

“The U,” he mumbled.

I almost laughed in his face.  “Like…the University of Miami?”

“Yeah.”

Wow. “Well, I’m sure ESPN will replay it,” I tried to reassure him.

“It’s just not the same.”

Was this really happening? At this point, I had to drive away before I really did laugh in his face.  I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for him for missing the documentary or just for being an unhealthily obsessed Miami fan.

Just FYI – The U is in the Champs Sports Bowl on December 29.  So, if you notice a valet attendant at East Andrews crying that night while the game is going on….you’ll know why.  It’s just too bad he’s not a Florida fan, because then…crying would be no big deal.

Chesley and I go to Fado a lot. The amount that we’ve spent on Irish Car Bombs in the last year is probably enough to put a down payment on a single-family home. Ok maybe not that much…but at least enough to put a plasma TV on layaway at Wal-Mart. We love Fado because it’s ALWAYS a sausage-fest, we love car bombs, we love the general manager, Brian, AND it’s walking distance to our other favorite bar, Park Bench. One particular night a few weeks ago, Chesley, Becca and I brought my video camera out to get some of the debauchery on tape and hit the jackpot when we ran into a high-school reunion. Sadly, my camera lost its juice early that night (not unlike some of the guys I’ve dated), so you won’t be able to see me eating cheese from the reunion’s catered spread or Chesley exchanging digits with a guy that may or may not be on the tape you’re about to watch.

Also, please excuse my obnoxious drunk voice. I am very aware of it.

So, there you have it. Three tipsy girls crashing a high school reunion, insulting the guests and eating the food. All class…all the time. I even ran into a friend’s ex at the reunion and he asked me what I was doing there…while I was midway through chewing a mouthful of their cheese.

The next day, Chesley and I had to go pick up my car at Fado, so we figured we may as well eat breakfast while we were there. Upon entering, we saw a couple SERIOUSLY sucking face at the bar…at 10 a.m. We knew we were in the right place.

I know what you’re thinking. How…can we look that good so early in the morning AND hungover? I know. It just comes naturally.   You also may be wondering if the male-half of the sucking-face couple approaching our table was staged.  Nope.  You ALSO may have picked up on the new phrase Chesley coined that morning: the “pash-and-dash.” It’s when you pash (ie. make-out/hook-up), then just totally jet. It can be a makeout in the bar, after which you say you have to go to the bathroom, then just hop in a cab, or a hook-up at someone’s house where you slip out in the morning as fast (and quietly) as you can. Learn it, live it.

We hope to see you at Fado sometime soon! (Car) Bombs away!

This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for a lot.  My health, my family and friends, the great year I’ve had so far, etc.  But most of all, I am thankful that I get to go home to Delaware for Thanksgiving, drink 2-3 bottles of nice wine per day, gain 2-3 pounds per day, lay on the couch and pretend to watch football but really read my mom’s stack of People mags, wear yoga pants for 3 days straight, not wear makeup or do my hair, and no one will judge me.  Just for the record – I’m not a total slob.  I did run 5 miles on Thanksgiving Day…but after that, it was HELLO THANKSGIVING BENDER!

My family (or the Hesselteam as Chesley calls us) is not the typical family.  Here we are at the Starboard in Dewey Beach.  Also, this is our family Christmas card photo for this year.  No…seriously.

What…a bunch of hot messes.

My brother, Matt,  is a giant (6’7, 320 lbs), who played football at University of Delaware and is currently in his last semester of school while also holding down a job and an internship.  I think he makes more money than me and he is, hands-down, a lot more responsible.  And…he’s 4 years younger.  He’s kind of a pimp, but I won’t out him on this blog as his lady friends (or main squeezes, as he likes to call them) may read this.

My dad retired early during my senior year of college and the day I got home from school, he was riding on the lawnmower at 2 p.m. with a beer in hand.  He drinks wine and Guinness like a fish, but tries to act like he doesn’t.  He has a plane (a 4-seater Cessna – come on, we’re not the Hiltons) , a badass motorcycle, about 5 cars/trucks (including an old Porsche and Land Rover that he fixed up) and he works at a wildlife refuge giving tours to 5^th graders earning minimum wage in his spare time.  He also is missing a spleen, a thyroid and a collarbone.

My mom retired a couple years ago and is still celebrating by traveling the world.  I lost track of all the trips she’s taken with either my dad or her girlfriends to Hawaii, Ireland, Colorado, Bermuda, etc.  Just for the record – she took me to Charleston, SC this April for a long weekend.  What….a vacation.  She is 57 but looks like she’s 35 and has had absolutely no work done.  She’s into health, spirituality, animals, reading and basket-making.  She’s totally a former hippie and I wouldn’t be surprised if she stills puffs the reefer from time to time.

My aunts, uncles and cousins all come to Delaware over Thanksgiving, so it’s always a blast.  This year, my mom even set up “the bar” right in the family room at 5 p.m. on the dot each day so it was easy access for everyone.  Here are my top moments of Thanksgiving 2K9:

1. My cousin Scott is getting married in May and he brought his fiancée, Ashli, to Thanksgiving this year.  I made them tell me every guy that would be at the wedding that’s either single or predicted to be single by wedding time, along with the guys’ ages, heights, drinking tendencies and if he’s funny or not.  And….I think we have a winner, er, victim.  Stay tuned…..
2. My dad invited two friends to Thanksgiving dinner…that couldn’t be more opposite.  Rob, a 70ish-year-old from the Unitarian church where my parents attend, and Steve, my dad’s 40-year-old single buddy (see Hooters reference on previous blog entry).  Rob was great and I was glad I got to meet him.  Steve, however, got drunk and passed out after dinner in a chair (a high one, at that) on the porch (yes, it was cold), wine glass in hand.  We all watched through the sliding glass door, waiting for the wine glass to drop…and it did.  Dad ordered Matt to go sweep up the glass while Steve stumbled around in the house, trying to get to the bathroom.  When he wandered back out onto the porch, he asked Matt what he was cleaning up.  Class….ic.
3. It’s a family tradition to play Apples to Apples with the whole family at least one night over the vacation.  If you’re not familiar, the person who is “it” selects a card with an adjective and everyone else has to choose one of their cards (which have people, places and things on them) that they think best embodies the adjective and the “it” person picks the best one.  You can also defend your selection while the person with the adjective card is choosing.  My cousin Scott was up and chose a card that read:  Easy.  I threw down my card that read: Spit.  When Scott was going through the cards and was about to toss Spit aside, I blurted out, “What?!  It’s easier than swallowing!”   Whooooopsiiiieee.  I thought my dad was going to slit his wrists.
4. I begged Matt for 3 days to do the Single Ladies dance with me so we could tape it for YouTube. And, he fought me off for 3 days.  Finally on Friday night, he said if I would leave him alone, he would watch Twilight, so I surrendered.  Don’t worry – I’ll have a whole week to work on him at Christmas.
5. When I finally got everyone to sit down to watch Twilight, including Matt AND cousin Scott (whose fiancée has been trying to get him to watch for months), we all thought maybe we should skip the movie and head to the local strip club instead….where the one-armed stripper works.  We had a serious Twilight vs. Strip Club discussion, but since we were all full from dinner and just wanted to lounge around instead of giving ones to some small-town strippers, Twilight won the war.
6. Our family dog, Toby Tucker, is 13 years old and only has one eye, but he is still kickin’ it.  Every Christmas, he opens his present by himself and we all cheer him on, but since some of our family members only come for Thanksgiving, they wanted to see him in action.  Plus, his birthday is around Thanksgiving, so we could give him his birthday gift.  My mom CLAIMED she had a new toy for him somewhere around the house, but “couldn’t find it,” so she just wrapped up an old toy.  Bad.  Move.  Toby unwrapped that toy so quickly only to be disappointed to find a toy that he plays with every other damn day.  Watch him bark out, “F*ck. You!”

He’s still pissed at my mom.

Here’s another video of our family sharing what we’re thankful for before we ate Thanksgiving dinner. It’s 7+ minutes long. You don’t have to watch it. I uploaded it mostly for my family to watch when they read this blog, but some parts ARE pretty entertaining.  So, watch at your own risk…and by risk, I mean the risk of wondering what the hell you’re doing watching 7 minutes of a strange family giving thanks.