Archive for January, 2010

Kanye, You Were Missed

January 31st, 2010 Ashley

The Grammys are the only “serious” (read: excluding MTV) awards show that I really care about.  However, last year’s show…how do I put this lightly…sucked ass.  Robert Plant and Alison Kraus swept the awards, and what they didn’t take home, Coldplay did.  Kings of Leon did win for Best Rock Performance but even that wasn’t enough to lift my spirits.  Luckily, the “Swagger Like Us” performance (you remember – with MIA dressed in that ladybug-esque get-up and about to give birth at any moment), salvaged the evening enough for me to not boycott the Grammys completely.

Needless to say, I didn’t have high hopes for this year’s Awards.  In fact, I had extreme anxiety because Kings of Leon (read: my favorite band long before they went…sigh…”mainstream”), and Beyonce (my celebsession) were up for numerous awards against Taylor “Ohmygosh, I can’t believe I won again!” Swift.  But, I held my breath…and tuned in anyway.

Here are my top 12 (for better or for worse) moments of the 2010 Grammy Awards:

1. Opening performance with Lady Gaga and Elton John.  But, ONLY because of the unlikely collaboration.  Ever since Gaga’s 2009 VMA performance of “Paparazzi,” I expect a little more shock factor.  Sure, she had a dirty face and nappy hair while playing that crazy piano, but where…was the blood?

Lady-Gaga-s-Bizarre-and-Bloodied-2009-VMA-Performance-2

That’s more like it.

2. “Single Ladies” won for Song of the Year…..and I stopped holding my breath.  I have loved this song from the first time I heard it, but ever since I dressed up as Bey for Halloween, learned the Single Ladies dance and then performed it in front of a crowd at Twisted Taco, it’s had a whole new importance in my life.  Here’s proof.

3. Surprise performance of the night:  Beyonce.  Why, you ask?  Because we didn’t see her bikini line for once.  Can you remember the last time you saw her sans leotard during a performance?  Didn’t think so.

beyonce grammy's

Not to mention she covered Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know.”  Ouch.  Maybe it’s just me but isn’t it a bit of a slap to cover an artist’s song without them…while they’re still alive….and still making music?  AND, I doubt Alanis was even invited to the Grams.  Double slap.

4. Pink’s performance.  Because water isn’t used NEARLY enough in award shows.  We need more water-based performances and more camera shots of horrified audience members that spent hours and dropped a hundy (or 5) on their hairdos.

5. Zac Brown’s perfectly orchestrated acceptance speech.  I would have loved to see that rehearsal.  “Ok guys, listen.  We’re going to divvy this up.  John, you thank PR, management and the stage crew.  Jimmy, you thank the sound guys and the label.  Coy, you thank our families.”    What…a performance.

6. Jamie Foxx’s outfit during his performance.  How…did he get to borrow Britney’s “Circus” tour jacket?  And, more importantly, how did he get a hold of Jessica Simpson’s mom jeans?!  I figured she burned those after, well, you know.

7. Kings of Leon won 3 of the 4 Grammys they were nom’d for:  Record of the Year, Best Rock Song and Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group, all for “Use Somebody.”  However, the only one of these awards that was televised was Record of the Year.  And just for the record, they DID televise Best Comedy Album.  Great decision, Grams.  Here’s the webcam pic KoL took at the Awards:

KoL at Grammy's

You go…boys.

8. The hot mess that was the Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks performance.  My question – had they ever heard of each other before they stepped on stage together?  Stevie looked she got pushed out there with a tambourine and forced to sing the tween anthem of the year against her will.

9. Michael Jackson’s kids:  more eloquent speakers than most grown-up award recipients.  I won’t name any names.

mariah-carey-drunk-acceptance-speech

11. Em….m, D..ke and Lil W…ne’s perfor…ce of  “For…r.”    I j..st wo..d h..ve lik..d to he..r m..re of it.

12. I’m not going to address Album of the Year.  But, I will say that when the winner was announced, Dewey immediately jumped up from his bed and started running around the house barking like a maniac…and crying.  True story.

Posted in Pop Culture Vulture 1 Comment »

Thanks for Playing!

January 28th, 2010 Ashley

Thanks to everyone who read yesterday’s blog and commented!  I am fresh out of passes, but hope to give away free stuff again sometime soon.

And just for the record – Step Up got the most votes for favorite Channing Tatum movie.

That’s what I’m talking about.

And remember, Dear John opens in theaters everywhere on February 5.  Let the drooling begin.

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FREE passes for Dear John tomorrow: Get ‘em while they’re hot!

January 26th, 2010 Ashley

Finally!  A chance to offer a perk to my blog readers (besides the general feeling of “wow, I’m glad I’m not a hot mess like her” that I give to you on a daily basis).  Before you read any further, please know that if you finish reading this blog, there’s a good chance you’re going to get FREE tickets to see Dear John tomorrow night.  This is not a ploy to get you to keep reading.  Well, to be fair…technically it IS…but I DO have tickets to give away.  Happy reading!

So, here’s the thing with me.  I don’t tend to get starstruck, I don’t obsess over celebrities and I don’t have posters of hot guys that I’ll never meet hanging in my house  (with the exception of my New Moon calendar that may or may not stay on the same month all year ’round).  But,  I still think that everyone has a “Number One” – that ONE celeb of the opposite sex you really would die to make-out with, have babies with or, at the very least, shake hands with.  When you see movie trailers, TV previews or an especially hot pic of him or her in US Weekly, you swoon.  If anything about his or her significant other crosses your path, you pretend you didn’t see it.  And, most of the time,  you’d actually prefer to watch and/or look at your Number One in private because you tend to get yourself, well…worked up.

My Number One is Channing Tatum.  It’s been him ever since Step Up.  No, I take that back – ever since She’s the Man with Amanda Bynes in 2K6.  You know what, it actually even goes FARTHER back than that to the under-the-radar basketball flick, Coach Carter, in 2K5.  Wow.  The obsession has officially been half a decade in the making.  And, yes, I did just reference She’s the Man.

So, when I saw the previews for Dear John, I may or may not have almost hyperventilated.

dear-john-movie-poster-1

Then, when I realized it was filmed in Charleston (my second favorite place on Earth), I really freaked.  THEN, one night while pre-gaming before going out, my friend Meghan Murphy from Allied Integrated Marketing (read: big-time movie PR/Marketing firm) drops the bomb that she’s  GOING to Charleston when the movie comes out for a premiere WITH Channing.  I spit my wine out with shock, but quickly regained composure and immediately called her bluff.  How could she?! But, as the days passed, I slowly started to realize she may have been serious.  I put it out of my mind and booked a trip to Miami the weekend she claimed she would be in Charleston, so I wouldn’t drive my crazed ass across the border (to South Carolina, that is) and put Meghan’s and my friendship (and her job) on the line by stalking her and Channing’s every move.

Turns out, Meghan did indeed go to Charleston this past weekend….and she WAS with HIM (and his whole crew, of course).  What…a backstabber.  I did make her keep me updated throughout the weekend, though.  Here are some of my favorite BBMs:

Me: update me on Channing please

Meghan:  I am his handler in Charleston.  I am on the plane – he comes tomorrow.

Me:  are you f*cking kidding me?!! i just died.

Later…

Meghan:  Fergie, Duchess of York, is staying at my hotel!  On the way to pick up Channing.

Me:  is Josh Duhamel there?

Meghan:  Not that Fergie!

Me:  Kidding.

Later….

Meghan:  at dinner at ____.

Me:  i hate you.  i want to cry.

Meghan:  he brought his wife – she’s super cool.

Me:  well you 3 have fun. going to bed.  i feel naus i’m so jeal  (That’s:  “I feel nauseous I’m so jealous” for you non-abbrev’ers).

Meghan kept me updated, while, of course, respecting the privacy of all parties involved, but even the smallest tidbits she shared with me were enough to set me over the edge.  My last message to her on Sunday night (the night of the premiere) was:  That’s it.  We are no longer friends.

Apparently, Meghan didn’t take that message very seriously.  She sent me the link to this video the very next day.

Yup, that’s her.  Right behind Channing.  That. Bitch.

Now, here’s the fun part…and the reason why Meghan and I are still friends.  She sent me movie passes for a screening of Dear John tomorrow (Thursday, Jan. 28) at Phipps Plaza at 7:30 p.m., and (due to some scheduling conflicts with some friends), I have a decent amount of extras that I’d like to share.  Free passes to see Channing’s chiseled face and bod on the big screen CANNOT go to waste.  Especially because the movie doesn’t hit theaters until February 5 – yes, 8 whole days later!

ALL you have to do to be entered to win a pass (good for you and a guest), is comment on this blog entry with the title of your favorite Channing Tatum movie!  The first X number of people to do this will get the passes, and I’ll contact you about drop-off/pick-up.   Oh, and one thing I MIGHT ask you to do after you get the tix is to post the link to www.hesseltime.com on your Facebook or Twitter.  But that’s not so hard, is it?

Cheers!

Posted in Pop Culture Vulture 14 Comments »

Kiss and Hell

January 19th, 2010 Ashley

Last week on The Bachelor, Elizabeth (read: über-hot Megan Fox lookalike) told Jake that they would NOT be kissing unless she was the last one standing.

elizabeth - bachelor

Apparently, Liz has never seen The Bachelor.  FYI, sister:  there’s supposed to be a PROPOSAL at the end. And, if not a proposal, then a “winner” has just been selected over 24 other girls to be in a long-term relationship with The Bachelor.  Personally, I wouldn’t advise the dude to pick a girl he hadn’t slept with.  How can you buy a car without test-driving it first?  But, not even to KISS?  Sister, what the HELL are you thinking putting something out there like that?  I don’t care how hot you are – telling a guy you’re not going to kiss him unless he puts a ring on your finger (or promises one in the future) is just about the stupiest effing thing I’ve ever heard of in 14 (yes, 14) seasons of The Bachelor…and MAYBE even in my life.

Jake actually wasn’t as offended and/or appalled as a typical guy might be and thought this was rather endearing…until she started putting her hands down his pants whenever the other girls weren’t around and whispering “how bad do you want to kiss me?” in his ear.  Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit, but it was essentially just like that.  “Kiss” came out of her mouth every 5 seconds in some form or other.  “I really want to kiss you…but I can’t.”  “You should definitely want to kiss me; I’m a great kisser.”  “Blah blah blah…kiss me…blah blah f*cking blah.”

What…a cock tease.  I’m sorry, sister, but if you’re going to be a tease, at least be a GOOD tease.  Keep it undercover.  Don’t scream at the guy with your every action:  “Hey I’m a tease!!  Come and TRY to get it, big boy!”  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Oh, and just for the record, Tenley, the girl who has only slept with one person in her life (ie. her ex husband) kissed Jake on the first night.  Yup, that’s right.  An ACTUAL good girl slipped him the tongue within hours of their meeting.

tenley - bachelorIn the words of Chelsea Handler:  you go….girl.

This leads me to another point.  Since when is kissing such a big deal?  If some dude walked in my house right now and asked me to make out with him, I probably would…provided he was good-looking and not intending to rob or murder me.

So, THIS week on the show, Elizabeth was up to her same tricks…pun intended.  Before she got her alone time with Jake, the girls had to do a stand-up act and Liz pulled out all the raunchy stops…SO  MUCH that ABC had to BLEEP OUT her commentary.  I even turned on Closed Captioning in an attempt to translate her dirty improv, but all I could gather was that it had something to do with being exhausted by a man with multiple penises OR by multiple guys (with one penis each).  Sweet Jake laughed nervously from the rafters above the stage.  Poor guy.

Later in the show, she sidled up to Jake during their alone time, practically on his lap, per usual, and the conversation went like this:

Elizabeth:  “I’m going to ask you a really hard question.”  (It may have just been me, but she emphasized the word “hard”).  “Are you good at backrubs?”

Oh geezus.  Give it a rest, girl.  Asking for a back rub is the worldwide code for “I’m ready to get it on” and everyone knows it.

Jake, in his aside to the camera:  “I think I’m sitting here with the queen of mixed signals.”

That Jake.  Such…a genius.

The rest of the convo proceeds with these highlights:

Liz:  “You want to kiss me.”

Jake mumbles something, looking bored out of his mind, about as irritated as Kanye at an awards show, and not buying her act one bit. Cue:  “the face.”

jake - not buying it

But she proceeds.

Liz:  “I do want to kiss you.”

Jake:  “You know, I’ve known couples that have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons…but I don’t think that’s what it’s about with you.”

There he goes again with his genius revelations.

Liz:  “I’m not teasing you.”

Jake:  continuing to take this in, still looking as exhausted as F*CK for having this conversation for as long as he’s had it already.

But the “queen of mixed signals” keeps going.

Liz:  “So, you need to kiss me to feel it for me?”

More exhausted commentary from Jake.

Liz:  “I really do want to kiss you.  I do.”

At this point, my roommate’s ANTI-any-chick-show boyfriend, who is on his computer with his HEADPHONES on catching up on the Conan/Leno feud, looks up and asks, “How many times has she said “kiss” in the last minute?”

Just for the record, I don’t think he’s ever commented on the stupid shows we watch.  Ever.

Luckily, another broad interrupts before Jake has to endure any more games, busts up the kissing talk, untangles Elizabeth from Jake’s torso, and and whisks him away. Liz was NOT happy.  She had still planned to mention a hot-and-heavy (but forbidden) make-out sesh AT LEAST 5 more times, all while licking her lips and tossing her hair.

Elizabeth to the camera:  “I’m actually shocked by this conversation tonight.  I can’t believe he thinks I’m playing games with him.”

Then, this gem:  “I don’t understand why he’s pressuring me to kiss him.”

That’s it.  This girl…is truly despicable.  Get. Her. Off. The. Air.


And that’s exactly what Jake did.  Kicked her cock-teasing ass out the door.  You can’t do that shiz, ladies.  It’s one thing to have morals and tell a guy you don’t kiss on the first date, give BJs before you’re exclusive, bone before marriage, etc.  But, don’t put your hands down his pants when you’re saying it.  Some guys will fall for it, but for the most part, if the dude has a brain (and 15 other hot chicks to choose from), it’s not going to work.  Know your audience before you start the performance.

On Elizabeth’s way out, she comes up to Jake, putting on the most coy, sexy smile she can muster after not receiving a rose, and says:

Wait for it…

“I should have kissed you.”

Boom.  And, THAT’s why I continue to watch this show every season.  Stupid girls have been, and always will be, quality entertainment.

Posted in Pop Culture Vulture 2 Comments »

Broad Discussion: Volume 2

January 19th, 2010 Ashley

I’ll be honest.  Girls talk about boys…a lot.  Especially single girls that are on the dating scene or at the very least,  involved in textual relationships.  We do talk about other things, too. For example, just today, I’ve already had conversations about gyros, freelance writing gigs, and last night’s episode of The Bachelor.  But, none of those conversations were nearly as entertaining OR as jam-packed with one-liners as the ones about guys.  Which is why I started what I like to call “Broad Discussion.”  The background, as well as Volume 1 can be found here.  Cheers!

  • maybe I should send him a naked pic?  that always works.  i could text Kyle…”hey remember that pic i sent you on 6/10 – could you send it back to me? i erased it and i need to send it to someone else.”
  • the only good thing is that the guy at the new dog daycare is hot.  and, i mean, he IS the manager.
  • well i straight-up told him it would be really hard to hook up with him when i’m sober.  what…a compliment.
  • A:  he is picking up food and we are having lunch at his bach pad.
  • B:  well keep me posted on that. i bet he has a circular spinning bed.
  • A:  so [insert guy friend's name here] and i are in agreement that this is the best ive ever looked and its the longest dry spell i’ve ever had.  what the F*CK is up with that?!  i didn’t think i raised my standards, but maybe i did.
  • B:  well your standards had nowhere to go but up…
  • A:  i mean we just cant get our booty call sched’s together!  i was friday, he was saturday.  such a disappointment.
  • B:  send him a meeting request via Outlook.
  • i just did the sketchiest thing.  i sent a “reminder” about Saturday night and made it look like I  sent it to myself and just bcc’d a bunch of people….except the only person bcc’d was Grant.
  • A:  i don’t think you should do it.
  • B:  yeah…but it would really be a slap in the face to Chris.  i mean, he basically punched me in the stomach and then kicked me when i was down, so i might as well slap him in the face.  just trying to look at this physically.
  • A:  well then, the balls might be a better place to start
  • So…via liquid courage, I called Tyler last night.  It actually went really well.  I played the “you’re moving away” card.  Worked like a charm.  I was all like, “I tend to get attached in all of the wrong situations, so if I seem aloof then that’s just me trying to stay far enough away to not get attached.”  And by “aloof” I meant “out with other guys,” obvi.
  • A:  i’m just frustrated.  i went out on a limb…and the limb broke.
  • B:  maybe….you should go to the gym
Posted in Hesscapades No Comments »

The 2010 EX Games

January 18th, 2010 Ashley

The winter 2010 X Games begin on Jan. 28 on ESPN.  However, the winter 2010 EX Games started last Saturday, January 9th, on Blackberry’s, iPhones and Gmails across the country.  As of now, these games are relatively undercover; apparently, guys across the country got together and decided that this would be the week to come out of the woodwork and contact their ex-girlfriends, flings and baby mamas.  I didn’t even know about the Games until I was in the midst of them myself.   Who knew that I bought a front row ticket to this season’s hottest event?!  YOU may have even attended and didn’t know it.  Here are my favorite highlights of this year’s EX Games:

Saturday, the 9th, (EX Games Opening Day), a girlfriend of mine got a text from her a-hole (like BIG TIME jerk) ex that she hadn’t spoken to in months, asking her to hang.  What…was he thinking? She texted him something back relatively tame, but ended it strong with: “you p*ssy.”  That…was a fun one to wake up and read again.

Wednesday night, a friend that will remain nameless got this email from an ex-fling (who failed to mention he had a girlfriend throughout their entire tryst):  “getting an email from you would be like a beam of sunshine in the winter.”  Sorry, buddy.   Looks like if  you want to warm up this winter, you better get a Snuggie.

ALSO on Wednesday night, someone else (who may or may not be the author of this blog) got THIS text from her ex in response to an outgoing phone call the previous night:  “So, do you really want to see how everything is going, or you just feel bad about not calling me back for 10 days?”  Whooopsiiiie. She didn’t realize he was counting.  But, she WAS the one to call him the night before.  Apparently, this girl who will remain nameless was a participant as well as a spectator in this winter’s Ex Games.

On Thursday, ANOTHER friend’s not-so-nice ex called out of the blue, offering to fly her to a city in Illinois (that will remain nameless) to rekindle the flame the FOLLOWING WEEKEND!  We advised her to have him come here and we could all meet him out for drinks (read: so we could scare him off for good).

Also, on Thursday, another friend got a “Are you going out tonight?” text from an ex-fling.  Doesn’t sound that bad?  How about this:  that’s the SEVENTH text he sent her that week without receiving a response (others included:  “how was your weekend,” “you up still…?”, “doing anything today?”, “you still outta town?”, etc. – you get the idea).  She should have known better the second she met him AND his bedazzled Ed Hardy tee.

And LAST but not LEAST, an ex of mine who dumped me for another girl in 2K8 called TOTALLY out of the blue on Friday and told me how much he regretted his decision and begged me back.  I told him he’d have better luck getting a washboard stomach (which we both know is never going to happen) than getting me back!  Suck on that, sucker!

Ok, so, that last one didn’t actually happen.

Posted in Serious Reporting 2 Comments »

The Story of Sweaty

January 13th, 2010 Ashley

As my girlfriends and I come across more and more guys that need to “pump the brakes,” as we like to call it, I am reminded of a young fella I met back in February 2K7.   I figure enough time has passed that he has forgotten who I am and hopefully has moved away from Atlanta never to hear of Hesseltime.com in his lifetime.  However, if he does happen to stumble upon this blog entry one day…then I just hope he’s lost my number.  Let me begin.

One of the top 5 most drunken days (keyword: day, not night – I could never keep track of those) was Oysterfest at Park Tavern in February 2007.  Chesley and I started the day at 11 a.m. with 5-7 bloody mary’s each at a pre-party in the Highlands, then gathered up our supplies (a hula hoop and a pinata filled with mini bottles of liquor), and hoofed it to Park Tav.  The rest of the day was sheer debauchery – we “made it rain” by throwing beverage napkins in the air every few hours, attempted to crash a wedding going on in the upstairs ballroom, conducted hula hoop contests with passers-by and actually broke open the pinata at one point and started throwing mini bottles out to crowd.  Four of us girls even stayed IN the hoop for 3+ hours.  No, seriously.

n12716272_35134732_7501

With it being so cold out, it was like a cozy mother’s womb in that hoop…if the mother was an alcoholic.

At some point throughout the day, I got lost from the group and was walking around the bar alone, conducting random hula hoop contests with whomever would participate.  And, that’s when I met Sweaty (or, so I was told).

Flash forward to the next morning when I woke up fully clothed on Nick Tapp’s couch and definitely still intoxicated.  I dug out my phone and started going through texts with one eye closed when  I came across this gem from a random number:

“you’re a sweaty, dinner this week :) ”

SWEATY!?, I thought with horror.  Did I stink yesterday?!  I immediately smelled my pits, hair and sweater, checked for dog shit on my boots, etc.  Then I realized….that he must have meant “sweetie.”  What…a relief.  And, what…a spelling bee champ.  I told Chesley and Nick, and immediately, the nickname “Sweaty” was born.

*Please note that back in 2K7, I took the time to type all these texts out so I would have them on file.  What you’re about to read has no creative license: it’s WORD for mother effing WORD.*

So, I didn’t respond to him, but he called and left a voicemail.  I didn’t call back.  Then I got another text:

Sweaty:  hey hula girl its ___ -  the tall handsome man from saturday.  it was nice meeting you and look forward to going out sometime.

Here’s the thing with me.  I knew that chances were, this guy wasn’t going to be anything special, but he really piqued my interest when he had the confidence to call himself handsome.  AND he said he was tall.  So, I decided to do a little texting back and see what was up…while still keeping my natural bitchy demeanor, obvi

Me:  umm i don’t remember meeting any tall guys on saturday.

Sweaty:  lol yeah i’m a giant

I think to myself, “I completely have NO recollection of meeting this guy.  Maybe I should cut back on the drinking a tad.”

Me:  what is your last name, giant? (read: let the stalking begin).

Sweaty:  lol you don’t remember me being giant but you do remember handsome.  well thank you beautiful

Sick.

Sweaty:  my last name is ____ and unless you got more frazzled than me you may remember my birthday.  what is it you were getting for me?

What…the f*ck is this dude talking about? I need to put him in his place and cut the cord right. now.

Me:  sorry, but could barely remember my own name that day…i told you it was allison right?

Sweaty:  Ashley…

Me:  see….told you.

Sweaty:  so its allison hesseltine

Shit.

Me:  haha wow i either gave you my last name or you are quite the stalker.  but seriously i am sorry i have very little recollection after 4 pm that day.  its embarrassing really….

Sweaty:  no you gave me your last name and july 7th birthday.  we talked about our relationship months down the road. mine is the 30th of june

What the hell is wrong with this guy and more importantly, what the hell is wrong with ME, giving out my first and last name and birthday like candy!?  Time to lay off the tequila shots, like STAT.

Me:  my bday is the 9th.  my mistake or urs?  ok going to bed.

I THOUGHT that last comment might end the whole thing.  Boy. Was. I. Wrong. Sweaty continued to hit me up, and back then, I wasn’t as big of a Facebook stalker as I am now and didn’t even think to look him up!  I know…I’m disappointed in myself, too.  So, I would randomly text him back if I was bored over the next couple of days, but 80% of the time, I just ignored him.  Here are some of the highlights from those days:

Sweaty:  we talked for a while but now i feel like maybe you were just drunk

What…a revelation.  I thought we already went over that.

Me:  i’m not gonna lie. i was hammered.

Sweaty: do you really not remember me in the least?

Me:  Nope.  See, I’m a drunk.  You don’t want to mess with me.

Sweaty:  lol yeah i have issues too but who knows i thought we hit it off.  i’m kind of up for whatever so the whole date is too much then drinks on friday may work.

no response from me.

Sweaty:   i look like george clooney to drunk girls

no response from me.

Sweaty:  i’ll break your heart so be careful

Ok, this has to stop.

Me:  r u drunk right now?  ur texts are embarrassingly annoying.

Even THAT comment didn’t deter Sweaty.  The next day was Thursday and the light bulb finally came on for me to look him up on FB.  I found him…and it was not good.  Not good at all.  It was OFFICIALLY time to end all communication.

Later on Thursday, he called me, left a voicemail, then texted me “what are you doing?”  I did not respond.  Friday, he called again, I  pulled my phone out, accidentally hit send, then instinctively yelled F**K! before hanging up.  He immediately followed up with a text, “hey going out tonight?”  I stayed true to my word and did not respond.  Responding to this guy, even in a mean way, was just going to keep him going. He was like the Energizer bunny of texting and apparently, rejection was his battery pack.

That Friday  night, I lost my phone outside of East Andrews.  I went all weekend without it and Sunday, it was recovered by someone who worked at the Patagonia store.  Don’t ask.  Of course, the first thing I did when I finally got my prized LG EnV back was check my texts.  Let me say this.  I don’t get speechless very often…but this was one of those times.

Sweaty (Saturday, 1:50 pm):  you suck at life

Huh?  Also, please note the P.M. Yes, afternoon.  Chances are, this was NOT a drunk text.  Or actually, on the other hand, if he was anything like me, it may have been.

Sweaty (6:34 pm):  maybe i jumped the gun but i’ve never met someone as special as you are.  i think you may be my first love.  i will always remember the very first time i saw you. everything was in slow motion and i got light headed. you are a true beauty.

Sweaty (6:35 p.m.):  i want to spend every minute making you happy. i hope one day you will realize how special what we have is.  miss ya.

And that’s when I threw up….and Sweaty became a legend.

Posted in Hesscapades 5 Comments »

Broad Discussion: Volume 1

January 12th, 2010 Ashley

I’ve decided that I have some really effing funny girlfriends around the globe.  Yeah, I have funny guy friends, but there’s nothing like getting a group of crazy, witty (mostly single) girls together in a room with booze, or on an email thread with no holds barred.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I may or may not have peed my pants on an occasion…or three.

I have thought long and hard about how to showcase (read: exploit) my girlfriends humorous commentary, but with all the specific instances we’d be referring to (read: all the guys that would take offense), I decided to keep it completely anonymous.  You won’t know who said it, you won’t know when and you won’t know who it’s about.  But, feel free to guess.  These one-liners come from texts, g-chats, emails and in-person convos (if I actually think to jot them down).  Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

  • OMG. I love this story. Except… I def think you need to look through all his pics and make sure you don’t have an Affliction / Ed Hardy fan on your hands. People with abs like that tend to make poor wardrobe decisions.
  • I sex texted Jason…. and he did not respond. So I deleted him from my phone.   Then, because I had nothing else to do, I bitchy texted Matt. And he started annoying me with his feelings. So, I deleted him as well.
  • Hopefully he’ll swing by today to get his watch and I can snap a pic of him in the Snuggie.  I’ll just hold it out and say “you can’t come in unless you put this on.”
  • A:  Yeah, I definitley had the FOTF (Fear of the Foreskin, obvi)…even more than normal…but things seem to be just fine.
  • B:  Nice!  I was worried that my guy was going to have loose skin or old junk….but he checked out!  It was far from missionary and I was totally caught off guard, I guess its all those years of experience!  Keep up the good work!
  • Holy F. He still hit you up AGAIN this morning??!! This guy is so out of control, he needs a muzzle… For his hands… So he can’t text… Yeah…
  • omg, i like, can’t stop going thru his tagged pics…and high-fiving myself with each one.
  • I’ll just tell him that you’re a bitch, but, like, in a fun way.
  • It’s official: I’m going to cancel.  I sent him a SECOND text saying I wanted to meet at the restaurant and he says “well how about we just meet at my place and I could drive the rest of the way?”  I just feel like this is how Law & Order starts and I don’t wanna be a victim.
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Why I Look So Stupid in my License Picture

January 11th, 2010 Ashley

I have to show my license A LOT.  All my credit cards say “SEE ID!!” in big, black letters on the back  because I’ve lost so many cards in my lifetime, so I have to whip it out (that’s what he said) every couple days.  And, I cringe every time I do.  Here’s the story of how my friends caught a glimpse at the heinous photo and how I realized (yet again) that I’m a total idiot.

A group of us were at dinner at Nakato one night, and the server asked to see all of our IDs.  “Ugh, I hate whipping this thing out,” I mumbled under my breath.  Chesley heard this sentiment and took the opportunity to out me, forcing me to pass the horrific license around the table.  Talk about…a best friend.

You ready for it?

……

Ok, fine….

…….

Boom.
My License.egg on Aviary

What….a head shot.

“Why do you look so pissed!?” everyone asked.

“Because it’s illegal to smile in your license picture,” I explained.

Cue: half a second of bewildered silence followed by hysterical laughing.  Ok, apparently everyone didn’t get the memo, I thought.   I tell them that our friend Emily told me it was a new law that you couldn’t smile in your license picture.  Cue: second laughter eruption.  At this point, everyone concludes that Emily has just played an awesome prank on me and the focus turns back to more important matters (ie. drinks).   Eff this.  I am going to pull up the G-chat tomorrow and show everyone how I was duped.

I get to work the next morning and immediately start scanning my old Gmail chats.  I find this one between Emily and me:

me: i need to get a new license.  i lost mine.

Emily: You just have to bring in your birth certificate or passport and they can give you another – I just went down there and it was really fast

me: oh ok cool

Emily: yeah i needed a new photo desperately so that’s why i went down

me: ugh me too. mine was hein

Emily: um mine was from when i was 15 and my hair was in pigtails

me: HA! which DMV did you go to?

Emily: fulton, the one right by turner field

me: oh good that’s where i was going to go

Emily: yeah took me maybe 15 mins

me: sweet

Hmmmm.  Did I make this whole thing up? Am I really officially losing it? Then, I remember another conversation I had with my best friend, Corey, who lives in Virginia.  I do another scan and come across this:

Corey: so you will be happy to know that I’m finally getting a new license but VA just passed a law that you can’t smile in the pics. what…a joke. i wait 10 years to get a new pic and now i can’t smile.

me: what?!!?  what is that about!?  I have to go get a new license too

Corey:  its BS.

me: wow

Whooooopsiiiieeeee. Looks like I mixed up the conversations in my head. What…a shocker.  This is not the 1st, 2nd or 30th time I have done something stupid like this and most definitely won’t be the last.  I just hate that I have to be reminded of it every day until I lose this license.  “Just go get another one,” you say?  No thanks – I would rather have a super-awkward blind date with a dude half my size wearing an Ed Hardy shirt then set foot inside the Penitentiary of Motor Vehicles in Downtown Atlanta.

I considered ending this story here, but thought I would share another gem of a license photo:  Corey’s.

corey license.egg on Aviary

So, there you have it.  Virginia is no longer for lovers.  Virginia is for people who look like serial killers in their license photos.

Cheers! Cheese!

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The Graduation Situation

January 10th, 2010 Ashley

My brother, Matt, graduated from the University of Delaware this past Saturday.  It was an exciting day and it was great to be surrounded by family and friends (despite my raging hangover during the 10:30 a.m. ceremony).  It was also a special day for the folks in attendance as they got to catch a glimpse of the largest graduation gown ever created.  But there was just ONE thing that made the day incomplete.  Something we all had the highest hopes for did NOT happen and it was a huge disappointment.  Which brought back memories of my own disappointing graduation ceremony from Clemson in May 2005.

To the utter disbelief of most people, I was a straight-A student in college.  Please spare me the lame-ass “So, what was your  major?  Drinking?” jokes.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude and my family and I couldn’t wait for me to walk across the stage at graduation and hear “Ashley Joy Hesseltine, Summa Cum Laude” be announced throughout Littlejohn Coliseum.  I was especially pumped for people to watch me walk across the stage and think, “THAT hot mess is SUMMA Cum Laude!?”  Yup, kids, that’s right.  The girl you’ve seen taking shots at (read: trying to dance on) the bar and making scenes at the pizza place afterward has a GPA over 3.9.  Bladow.

I received my namecard before the ceremony, but I was so hungover that my mind didn’t register what it was for.  I got to my seat, probably actually DID wonder for a moment what the card was for, but then put it under my chair and forgot about it.  Shortly after, I seriously thought I was going to pass out.  I texted my brother warning him that if I didn’t get some water soon, I was going to have to do something drastic.  I was eyeing all the exit doors, thinking about which one could have a water fountain behind it and how I could make it there without making a scene.  Every time we had to stand for something, the room spun.  I knew the cleancut Southern-looking girl next to me could probably smell the liquor seeping out of my pores.  But, somehow, as my name got closer to being called, I perked up and I made it to the stage without hitting the floor.

I got up to the stage, smoothed down my gown and put on a smile, as an official-looking lady asked for my namecard.  My what?, I thought.  Then, it hit me.  F*ck. I was supposed to bring that piece of paper up here with me. “I don’t have it,” I said.  The lady looked panicked.  And now…I was holding the line up.  I think I blacked out in that moment, as everyone starting making moves around me.  Suddenly, there was a diploma in my hands and the person reading the names promptly snatched it from me, opened it up and quickly read my name aloud.  “Ashley Joy Hesseltine.”  Then, silence.  No “Summa Cum Laude.”  It took me a minute to realize that I didn’t hear what I was expecting.  Four years of hard work and I didn’t even get effing recognized!  I knew my family would be pissed, especially since they were videotaping the ceremony.  I bet there were people in the crowd thinking, “Wow, she must have just barely graduated.”  My mind wandered to the guy I had just started hanging out with, who was also graduating that day.  Had he told his parents about me?  Did they know my name?  Do they now think that I was just an average student, not even a “Cum Laude” grad?! Just for the record, I now realize that they had no idea who I was at that time….or for a long time after that, for that matter.

Thankfully, my family wasn’t really upset (and if they were, they hid it well).  Actually, they got a kick out the fact that I didn’t know what my namecard was for.  Which brings me back to my original point.  How in the world…did I get straight A’s?

Flash forward to Matt’s graduation 4.5 years later.  I made sure to remind him to bring his namecard up.  Although, I doubt anyone (except for me) needs that reminder.  But, he sent me a picture message of his card anyway to put me at ease.

19653_708953090288_12716272_40516305_6459468_n

That’s right.  Just trying to bring a little guido touch to graduation.   (NOTE:  If you have no idea what “The Situation” is and are not understanding this blog right now, then I suggest you do some Googling.)  Matt’s friend, Herrman (that’s his last name, but yes, it would be a lot funnier if it was his first), was sitting next to me and texting with their other friend, Corey, who was graduating as well.  Apparently, Corey listed “The Situation” as his middle name, too, and he was up first.  We waited in anticipation as Corey neared the stage, I turned on my FLIP video, and they announced his name.  “Corey”….slight pause….”Nicholson.”  Ugh. What….a bummer.  But, I had hope for Matt.  I had the solution.

I immediately BBM’d Matt:  “Just write “Situation.”  No “the” or they won’t read it.” 

He responded:  “Ok.  I wrote out a whole new card so it looks great and legit.” 

I….am a genius.

Matt is in line to walk, and we’re waiting with bated breath.  If this goes down the way it should…my life will be complete, I thought.  He gets up to the stage, we all lean forward in anticipation, FLIP goes on again….and his name gets read over the speakers.  “Matthew”….pause….”Hesseltine.”

F*CK! I.  Was. Pissed.  Someone’s name COULD be “Situation!”  I have heard a LOT stupider names.  My mom once had a girl in school named “Female.”  My BFF Cory is a high school teacher and has had kids in her class named “Purple” and “Santa.”  This was total bullshit.

That name-reader MUST be a “Jersey Shore” watcher.  Or, with the show’s recent craze, she got a “Do Not Read” list with “Situation” on it.  Either way, she put a damper on our morning.

He should have just went with “Snooki.”

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