Well,  I made it back alive.  My trip to the Lost Coast of California was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had.  No, seriously.  And my cell phone sat on my bed in Atlanta the whooooole time.  I swear, I’m serious.

I have so many photos and videos and I’m only going to be able to post a little bit until the story runs in July.  Hoping to get to that this week, but just wanted to provide a quick update to those of you that thought I may have gotten eaten by a bear or spontaneously combusted due to lack of BlackBerry access.

A few “highlights”:

• I was the most sober person in business class on the way to San Fran.  First time for everything, I guess.
• I DID camp.  Outside.  In a tent.
• I walked a llama named Lucky.  And I renamed him Llucky.
• I think my “neighbor” at the Inn of the Lost Coast saw me naked (by accident – not Erin Andrews style).
• I lost a hubcap on my rental car somewhere along the way, but still ended up getting money BACK from the car rental agency.

More to come….

Tomorrow, I am leaving to go on a trip to a completely remote area of California where I will be camping (never done it before), hanging out with llamas (how llovely) and driving some of the twistiest, most intense roads in the country (in a Ford Focus).  Oh, and I won’t have a cell phone.  Or computer.

This is not a joke.

Let me begin.

A few weeks ago, I was reached out to by the editor at GO Magazine (AirTran’s inflight) to do a story on the Lost Coast of California. This is straight from the editor’s mouth:  Our idea is to send someone who is super “plugged-in” without a cell phone, computer, etc. and have them write about the experience.

What…an idea.

The thought made me nauseous, but I knew I had to do it.  I convinced the editor that I WAS their girl and not only have I never been without a cell phone for more than a few hours at a time for the last 10 years, but I have never even been to California, my idea of “outdoorsy” is laying on the beach, and I rarely engage in activities that don’t involve drinking, being around people and constant stimulation (no, not THAT kind, sicko).  So, they gave it to me.  I think they knew they didn’t have a choice.

The past few weeks has involved a lot of research on my part and feelings of excitement mixed with total fear.  First of all, I have never gone on a trip by myself.  Why not?, you ask.  Because I have never wanted to.  I am the ultimate people person and when I don’t talk to anyone for a few hours, I start to feel anxious.  I got a cell phone when I was 16 and have been attached to my mobile device ever since.  One time, my phone died on a rafting trip (read: drowned) and I activated an old phone just to get me through the night until I could make it to Verizon the next day.  I’m seriously THAT bad.  Although, in my defense, I think I was waiting for a text from a crush that night.

The last time I “camped” (read: slept outside) was in 2K2 when I passed out on my aunt and uncle’s chaise lounge on their screened-in porch because I couldn’t find my way to my bedroom.  The last time I went “kayaking” was on Spring Break 2K3 in the Bahamas when Alex and I paddled out in the water a few hundred feet just so we could feel like we were taking advantage of our resort’s “free water activities.”

Oh, wait, here I am being outdoorsy! (in the pink)

So what if that was just in Andrea’s parents’ backyard for 4th of July?  They live in Alpharetta, which essentially is the wilderness, and we WERE making food over a fire.

In addition to camping and kayaking, I’ll be hiking black sand beaches, touring organic gardens, staying at a totally remote B&B RIGHT on a cliff, and yes, going on a llama trek.  At one point, I thought I was actually going to get to RIDE a llama, but unfortunately, that is not the  case. Womp womp.

If my llama isn’t wearing tassels, I want my money back.

I also get to take a tour of the Lost Coast Brewery.  Funny, that was the first thing I booked when planning.

I honestly don’t know how it’s going to feel to be across the country from my cell phone.  I will fly to San Fran, pick up a rental car, drive 5 hours up to Eureka, CA to start my trip, then continue down the coast….all sans mobile device and internet.  It’s going to be QUITE an experience.

What if I meet a guy?  Is he going to have to leave a message for me at the front desk of my hotel…or my campsite?  How does that work?

I’m sure I’ll have a friend get engaged while I’m gone, and she won’t be able to reach me.  What will she do?!

What am I going to do when I look that llama right in the face and can’t take a mobile upload of him for Facebook?

What am I going to do when I’m dining alone and can’t pick up my phone and text (or pretend to)?  Twiddle my thumbs?  I’m worried I might just keep drinking to keep my hands busy!  Just kidding – this isn’t that kind of trip.  Or is it?

Am I going to come back a changed woman, throw out my Blackberry and stop showering?

I guess only time will tell.  Make your predictions now.

Oh, and Dewey will be living it up at Greendog if you need to reach him – the ONLY place I would trust with my monster for a whole week without being able to check in constantly.  Go over and play with him if you want, but no treats.  He needs to lose a few L B’s.

You’ll hear from me next week….that is, if I make it out alive.

Cheers!

This blog has gotten me in trouble a couple of times.  I’m sorry, let me rephrase that:  this blog has gotten other people in trouble a couple of times.  I won’t get into details, but I’ll say that one snafu happened after I posted The Prom and one happened after I posted Inbreastigative Reporting.  You can take your guesses.

I’ve always laughed it off, but recently, I got approached by someone about something I posted and I did feel kinda bad.  I mean, I still laughed of course.

In my blog titled Procrastinator…or Prioritizer, I stated the following:

I had my vodka goggles on and talked to a fella for most of the evening, thinking he looked like Rob Pattinson.  I was informed on Saturday that he actually did NOT look like Rob Pattinson….at all.  He wasn’t quite a Sweaty, but he was no looker, according to my girlfriends.  And yes, this IS a trend with me.  You see, my eyes are pretty bad and I would rather eat dirt than wear my glasses out to a bar, so when I start drinking, the bad eyesight combined with the vodka goggle factor makes me think I’m talking to Brad Pitt, when in fact,  it’s really Brad Wollack.

I hit “Publish” and didn’t think anything of it.  For 3 weeks.

Last week, an email popped up in my inbox, titled “Ouch.”  Huh? I thought.  Then I read it:   I found your card while going through my wallet this afternoon and checked out your website. I enjoyed your blog up until the point where you recalled our drunken encounter at Star Bar. I may not be Rob Pattinson but Brad Wollack? That’s harsh!

Whoooopsiiiiiie.  I couldn’t believe it.  Did I immediately feel remorseful for talking smack about someone that I barely knew?  Well, yes, but only after I thought about how I could share this info on the blog.

I wrote back:  Omg I feel terrible! I don’t even remember what you looked like – I was pretty hammered. Don’t take offense.  And besides, how do you know it was about you anyway??

I….am so smooth.

He writes back:   Haha, don’t worry, I’m not offended.  But I was flattered that you wrote about me. Here’s something to refresh your memory.

And…there was an attachment.  I couldn’t believe it.  Now, I was really intrigued.  And, of course, secretly hoping for a Rob Pattinson look-a-like to pop up on my screen so I could shove it in all my girlfriends faces.

I was already in bed, so I clicked to open the attachment on my Blackberry, and waited….

…and waited (my Blackberry sucks)….

…and waited just a little bit longer (this pic better be worth it)…..

and then BOOM!  There it was:

What….a sense of humor.  So, I did what any normal girl would do after seeing a picture of The Hoff while laying in bed with a vibrator within reach.

I went right to sleep.

For the record, I DID ask my new friend if I could post our correspondence on the blog and he agreed with this sentiment:   Go for it. Maybe I’ll run into you again at star bar. Just make sure you’ve got your “vodka goggles”.

Lucky for him I never leave home without them.

This is the true story… of 7 strangers… picked to live in a house…work together and have their lives taped… to find out what happens… when people stop being polite… and start getting real…The Real World:  Seaside.

Ok, so that’s only partially true.  There ARE 7 of us, we WERE picked to live in a house (by me) for a weekend and we ARE going to Seaside.  However, we’re not strangers and we won’t be working (unless by working, you mean drinking).  Oh, and another thing that’s true: I WILL be taping, but only with my FLIP camera, and I didn’t necessarily get permission from everyone.  But, when you hang with me, you know what you’re signing up for.

Long story semi-short, I dropped my biz card at an Atlantan event last fall and got a call that I won this beach house package in Seaside.  No, not Seaside Heights, Jersey Shore (although that would have been even more awesome).  Seaside, Florida.  America’s Sweetheart of a town.  Where The Truman Show was filmed.  Where the 7 of us should probably NOT go when we haven’t had a vacay like this since college.  Most girls would probably use this opportunity to take their boyfriends and 2 other couples for a quiet, relaxing weekend away.  Talk about…a snoozefest.

I called up the girls and we set a date.  Then, I convinced my BFF Cory to fly down for the occasion (as it’s actually her REAL Spring Break because she’s a teacher), and told Kate she could invite her best friend from college, Meredith Cheesman (whom everyone calls Cheese).  In the words of our friend Louisa that moved away in February and who this trip is dedicated to:  “shit was about to get real.”

I got in touch with the Cottage Rental Agency and started checking out the houses.  If you’re not familiar with Seaside, all the houses have cute little names like Jack’s Beanstalk (well, that sounds dirty), Bahama Mama (and, that just makes me want a cocktail), and Southern Comfort (speaking of, I could use a shot).  Well, anyway, you get the point.  I was scrolling through, trying to find the most expensive and nicest cottage for my max price on the gift certificate when I saw it: THE PERFECT HOUSE.  It was the most expensive (within the range), slept 7 people and looked gorgeous.  But, it was called….

…wait for it…

Wean Back and Wewax.

Whaaaa???  Wean Back and Wewax??  First of all, I didn’t feel comfortable bringing Cory to a house that would remind her of her speech impediment in elementary school!  Second of all….ok, it was just hilarious.  And, that’s when Spring Break became Spwing Bweak, baby!

Tomorrow, we depart and I’m sure I’ll have days, weeks, no, make that months of blog material from the next 3 days.  But for now, I’ll just preview our cast.

Introducing…..the wadies of Wean Back and Wewax 2K10!

Cory: aka THE INTIMIDATOR

Cory is tall, tan and looks like she could manhandle most dudes with one swift movement.  However, she gets approached constantly by men because she’ll talk to ANYONE and also, we’ve decided that her big eyes make her look inviting.  But watch out -  she’s got a sharp tongue and she’s been known to make guys cry from time to time (on a good day).  She’s a teacher by school year, bartender by summer and can drink most grown men under the table.  Bring it, boys.

*

Kate: aka PRECIOUS

Kate gets the nickname “Precious” because A. she asked for it, and B. it’s hilariously ironic.  Kate is NOT precious.  She’s a bitch, but she has a really innocent voice so she gets away with it.  Think Sammie Sweetheart from Jersey Shore (“I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet”) minus the hair extensions and jean shorts.  Kate is also the youngest of the bunch, which means we’ll be hazing her over Spwing Bweak…that is, if she doesn’t haze us first.

*

Natalie: aka PEE WEE

Natalie is the smallest in the bunch by a long shot; think Snooki but skinnier, minus the hair pouf and with a normal skin tone.  Which sorta makes her our mascot.  Don’t get me wrong – we take her seriously and everything, but sometimes us 5’10 girls just want to scoop her up and swing her around, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian-style.  She’s a definite partier, but due to her size, she doesn’t need to drink as much as the rest of us to get krunk.  Which also saves her calories, keeping her small.  It’s a vicious, vicious cycle for us “larger” ladies.  So, Little One: bring your A-game.

*

Meghan:  aka THE REGULAR

Meghan is the Seaside Fanatic.  Before I could even finish saying “Do you want to come to Seaside?” she was putting in her request for days off of work.  She has sent us events calendars, filled us in on the closest grocery and liquor stores and has informed us numerous times that we’ll be spending the bulk of our drinking hours at Bud and Alley’s.  And, we’re not arguing.  In addition to Seaside, Meghan frequents a lot of posh vacay spots, and when she visits, she likes to Cougar it up.  You catch my drift.  All I can say is:  Meghan – just keep yourself out of jail this weekend.

*

Chesley:  aka THE FLIRT

Chesley’s your token spring break chick:  blonde hair, great rack, hot bod.  So, it’s no secret that dudes come a’runnin when she steps in the place.  And, she’ll talk to ANYONE, even more so than Cory.  I think she’s just genuinely being nice, but come on…girl.  Sometimes you just can’t waste your time – there are shots to be had.  And, we know you love Jager.  We’ll see how this pans out this weekend.  I’m just hoping for the sake of the house, she doesn’t try to swoop in on Meghan’s 20-year-olds.

*

Cheese:  aka THE WILD CARD

Cheese is the wild card of the bunch, because while some of us have met her, no one knows her well except for Kate.  No one has met Cory either, but as much as I talk about her and reference her on the blog, they should feel like they know her.  All I can say about Cheese is that A. I’m going to love saying her name all weekend and B. if she’s friends with Kate, she must be cool (and by “cool,” I mean “serious drinker”).  Can’t wait to get  to know you…girl.

*

Me:  aka THE PRODUCER

Yup, those are vibrators.  What? It’s not like I own both of them – that was at my sex toy birthday party.  For the millionth time: Sorry, Dad.  I think my title is self-explanatory.  I set this whole thing up, I’ll be documenting it and exploiting my girlfriends however I can.  Juuuust kidding about that last part (well, sorta).  I think the rest of my “bio” can be found in the blog.

*

So, can’t wait to hear what happens on spwing bweak?  Or, you actually don’t care at all?  Either way – Wean Back and Wewax and wait for the wecap next week.

Cheers!