The War of the Towel Animals

Anyone who’s been on a cruise knows what the best part is. No, not the round-the-clock, endless supply of pizza, pasta, ice cream, sandwiches, etc. plus 4-course meals every night (unless you’re on a weight gain mission). Certainly not formal night in the dining room. Absolutely not the Internet connection, speed or cost to use it. And no, it’s definitely not the opportunity to meet a young, single person of the opposite sex…because that opportunity actually doesn’t exist on cruises (except the Titanic, but you know what happened there).

The best part is…..the towel animals. To retreat to your room after a long day of eating, drinking, swaying and sunning and find that expertly crafted critter made of terrycloth is just magical.

Most of the time.

The first night on our Holland America cruise, my cousin Lindsay and I didn’t even get a towel animal. What the shit? Yet my brother claimed he received a giant stingray that took up almost his entire bed. Now, my brother is the golden child that would get an amazing gift like that, but since he conveniently didn’t take a photo to prove it, I’m calling bullshit.

The next night, we got this:
I mean…whatever. It’s a swan and you can’t really diss on a swan. We were fine with it.

Until we found out what Matt received the same night.
A PENGUIN!? With EYES!? I didn’t even know eyes were an option. Matt’s steward was putting in WORK. Linds and I were jealous, but still hopeful for what we’d get the following night. Maybe our guy was rushed the night before and just threw together that swan.

Boy, were we wrong.

THIS is what we got the following night:
I’ll wait while you digest that.

This was just unbelievable. I could have made that whatever-it-was with my eyes closed. A 3-year-old could have done a better job. A blind 3-year-old with one arm. I mean, these cruise ship people take classes to learn how to make towel animals. It’s part of their job description. And they give us a scrunched up hand towel and try to pass it off as some sort of acceptable creature?

Hell…no.

So the next night, we left a note.

We figured by asking for something elaborate like eyes, we couldn’t go wrong.

And we were finally right. Presenting….Walter.

And he even had GOOGLY eyes! Not paper eyes like Matt’s. We couldn’t have been more excited. We even put him aside on top of our suitcase pile, hoping to keep him safe and intact for the rest of the trip.

Sadly, they removed Walter the next night, but left us with THIS! We screamed like 12-year-olds girls at a Bieber concert when we saw him.
We called Matt up to our room immediately to show off our….monkey? He came in and was mildly impressed, but being the mean-spirited competitive brother he is, he casually busted out a photo of the animal he had just received.


A f*cking elephant. With a trunk, eyes, floppy ears, and two full towels making up it’s body. Even our hanging monkey (or whatever) couldn’t compete with that.

We were trunked, er, trumped again.

Maybe the best part is the food after all.

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