My brother, Matt, graduated from the University of Delaware this past Saturday.  It was an exciting day and it was great to be surrounded by family and friends (despite my raging hangover during the 10:30 a.m. ceremony).  It was also a special day for the folks in attendance as they got to catch a glimpse of the largest graduation gown ever created.  But there was just ONE thing that made the day incomplete.  Something we all had the highest hopes for did NOT happen and it was a huge disappointment.  Which brought back memories of my own disappointing graduation ceremony from Clemson in May 2005.

To the utter disbelief of most people, I was a straight-A student in college.  Please spare me the lame-ass “So, what was your  major?  Drinking?” jokes.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude and my family and I couldn’t wait for me to walk across the stage at graduation and hear “Ashley Joy Hesseltine, Summa Cum Laude” be announced throughout Littlejohn Coliseum.  I was especially pumped for people to watch me walk across the stage and think, “THAT hot mess is SUMMA Cum Laude!?”  Yup, kids, that’s right.  The girl you’ve seen taking shots at (read: trying to dance on) the bar and making scenes at the pizza place afterward has a GPA over 3.9.  Bladow.

I received my namecard before the ceremony, but I was so hungover that my mind didn’t register what it was for.  I got to my seat, probably actually DID wonder for a moment what the card was for, but then put it under my chair and forgot about it.  Shortly after, I seriously thought I was going to pass out.  I texted my brother warning him that if I didn’t get some water soon, I was going to have to do something drastic.  I was eyeing all the exit doors, thinking about which one could have a water fountain behind it and how I could make it there without making a scene.  Every time we had to stand for something, the room spun.  I knew the cleancut Southern-looking girl next to me could probably smell the liquor seeping out of my pores.  But, somehow, as my name got closer to being called, I perked up and I made it to the stage without hitting the floor.

I got up to the stage, smoothed down my gown and put on a smile, as an official-looking lady asked for my namecard.  My what?, I thought.  Then, it hit me.  F*ck. I was supposed to bring that piece of paper up here with me. “I don’t have it,” I said.  The lady looked panicked.  And now…I was holding the line up.  I think I blacked out in that moment, as everyone starting making moves around me.  Suddenly, there was a diploma in my hands and the person reading the names promptly snatched it from me, opened it up and quickly read my name aloud.  “Ashley Joy Hesseltine.”  Then, silence.  No “Summa Cum Laude.”  It took me a minute to realize that I didn’t hear what I was expecting.  Four years of hard work and I didn’t even get effing recognized!  I knew my family would be pissed, especially since they were videotaping the ceremony.  I bet there were people in the crowd thinking, “Wow, she must have just barely graduated.”  My mind wandered to the guy I had just started hanging out with, who was also graduating that day.  Had he told his parents about me?  Did they know my name?  Do they now think that I was just an average student, not even a “Cum Laude” grad?! Just for the record, I now realize that they had no idea who I was at that time….or for a long time after that, for that matter.

Thankfully, my family wasn’t really upset (and if they were, they hid it well).  Actually, they got a kick out the fact that I didn’t know what my namecard was for.  Which brings me back to my original point.  How in the world…did I get straight A’s?

Flash forward to Matt’s graduation 4.5 years later.  I made sure to remind him to bring his namecard up.  Although, I doubt anyone (except for me) needs that reminder.  But, he sent me a picture message of his card anyway to put me at ease.

That’s right.  Just trying to bring a little guido touch to graduation.   (NOTE:  If you have no idea what “The Situation” is and are not understanding this blog right now, then I suggest you do some Googling.)  Matt’s friend, Herrman (that’s his last name, but yes, it would be a lot funnier if it was his first), was sitting next to me and texting with their other friend, Corey, who was graduating as well.  Apparently, Corey listed “The Situation” as his middle name, too, and he was up first.  We waited in anticipation as Corey neared the stage, I turned on my FLIP video, and they announced his name.  “Corey”….slight pause….”Nicholson.”  Ugh. What….a bummer.  But, I had hope for Matt.  I had the solution.

I immediately BBM’d Matt:  “Just write “Situation.”  No “the” or they won’t read it.” 

He responded:  “Ok.  I wrote out a whole new card so it looks great and legit.” 

I….am a genius.

Matt is in line to walk, and we’re waiting with bated breath.  If this goes down the way it should…my life will be complete, I thought.  He gets up to the stage, we all lean forward in anticipation, FLIP goes on again….and his name gets read over the speakers.  “Matthew”….pause….”Hesseltine.”

F*CK! I.  Was. Pissed.  Someone’s name COULD be “Situation!”  I have heard a LOT stupider names.  My mom once had a girl in school named “Female.”  My BFF Cory is a high school teacher and has had kids in her class named “Purple” and “Santa.”  This was total bullshit.

That name-reader MUST be a “Jersey Shore” watcher.  Or, with the show’s recent craze, she got a “Do Not Read” list with “Situation” on it.  Either way, she put a damper on our morning.

He should have just went with “Snooki.”