Assault with an Oral Weapon

Kissing.  Making Out.  Frenching.  1st Base.  Swapping spit (ew).  Whatever you want to call it, we’ve all been doing it for like, at least 8-10 years now at this point, right (assuming most of my readers are “of age”)?  I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday, but I’m not going to share those details because it was embarrassingly later than all my friends and it was totally gross and sometimes I still want to throw up in my mouth when I think about it.

Ohmygod, I just gagged.

But, seriously, don’t we all know how to kiss?  Even if we didn’t quite “get it” in middle or early high school, we figured it out by watching TV, movies, Internet porn, whatever.  Relax your lower lip, try to minimize your saliva, don’t use too much tongue (at first).  You know the drill.  Well…apparently some guys still DON’T know the drill.

While I was trying to rest up for the marathon, er, half-marathon on Saturday night, a girlfriend called me at 1 a.m. I silenced her, of course, but she left a panicked voicemail about something horrible that had just happened to her.  The next morning, I got the whole sleazy story.

She had been face raped.

Picture it:  SUPER cute guy, totally normal, met through mutual friends that night and he invited her back to his place for a nightcap.  Too bad nightcap meant FACE RAPE.  In this particular case, the “incident” started out with him grabbing her face and smushing her cheeks and lips together the way your grandparents would do if they hadn’t seen you in a while.  Then, he proceeded to make out with her smushed-up mouth.  After that, he started kissing her (or what he thought was kissing) with such quick, forceful movements that her head started banging into the wall repeatedly.

For the record, head banging against a headboard during you-know-what: ok.  Head banging against a wall during a makeout: NOT. OK.

Then, he completed the deed with about 12 full-on face licks.  Face. Licks. Like a dog would lick your face.  Only worse.  Because he was a human.  And it happened 12 times.

Why did she proceed to let this face rape happen for so long, through cheek smushing, head banging and a dozen face licks?  Well, for one, she was stunned.  Two…she couldn’t get away.  When she finally broke free from the face raper, she made up a story about needing to get home to her dog (who doesn’t even lick her face like that), bolted and ran out into the city streets, arms flailing about for a cab.  Poor girl.

But more importantly, poor guy.  How has no one told him this is just NOT acceptable?  Or, maybe someone has told him and he just thinks his style is better?  What does he think when he sees a makeout on TV or in the movies?  That THEY are the weird ones?

I guess we’ll never know.  But, let this be a lesson to anyone out who thinks they have a “unique” kissing style.  You don’t.  If you’re doing anything that involves smushing or licking a face, or performing any sort of act that resembles giving your kissing partner an oral exam with your own tongue, just stop it.  You’re face raping.  And, it’s a crime.

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4 Responses to “Assault with an Oral Weapon”

  1. kelley says:

    this is the best post of all time. the worst is a hard, penetrating tongue. we called it lizard kissing. well…the face licking may be worse. i wish i knew who this WAS!

  2. Cindy Hesseltine says:

    It is a crime. I agree! Another crime is a smoker’s kiss. It is withoutout a doubt the same as kissing and licking an ashtray!

  3. [...]  Face Time I saw the Face Raper in person.  And, he’s extremely good-looking and tall.  And, that’s all I am [...]

  4. Michael says:

    Stumbled across this site from cl_atlanta plugging you on Twitter. Let’s just say, this act goes both ways… Further, it’s not easy to tell someone they are a horrible kisser.