Urine Trouble

If you’re friends with me in real life, on Facebook, or follow me on The Twitter, you may know about my downstairs neighbor, who pretty much has the worst profession EVER for apartment living: he’s a f*cking DJ.  Which means he practices his annoying, techno DJ sets right under my floor in our 100-year-old building so I can hear every stupid beat while I’m trying to concentrate.  When I first moved in, I would just bang on the floor with a 5-pound weight until he turned it down.  That’s the universal sign for “shut the F up,” right?  But, after 3 or 4 times doing that move, he came UP to my APARTMENT, knocked on the door, and told me we needed to have a discussion because I was being “passive agressive.” What…a crybaby.  But, since then, I’ve learned to tolerate him.

Until he pissed on my couch.

It was midnight-ish on a Saturday and I was in for the night early.  Downstairs DJ was practicing his set entirely too loud and I had big brunch plans in the morning and needed to get my rest.  So….I brought out the free weight and gave it a few hard pounds on the floor until he turned down his tunes.  It was the first time I’d used that tactic since our come-to-Jesus talk but it needed to be done.  I wasn’t about to go down there, bra-less and in boxers, and break up his hipster dance party/orgy/smoke fest/whatever.

The next morning, I took Dewey out for a walk and neglected to lock my door (which I always do now, so don’t even think about it, potential burglars and/or rapers).  I came home, showered and was preparing for brunch when I saw it.

My couch…covered in piss.

Oh. Hale. No.  No no no.  I have had Dewey for more than two years and he has NEVER EVER once had an accident.  EVER.  He won’t do it.  He would rather jump through a window than go to the bathroom in the house.  It’s been proven.  So, there was only one conclusion.  Downstairs DJ.  I know what you’re thinking: Ashley, there is NO way your neighbor watched to see when you left the building, checked to see if your door was unlocked, then busted in and urinated all over your couch.

Well, like I said, Dewey has never had an accident.  The spot was still wet, which means it had just happened.  AND, Neighbor and I had just had a “passive aggressive” altercation the night before.  You do the math.

I had to tell Kate what happened via G-chat and get her feedback.  You can also consider this a lesson in personal safety, ladies.

me: hey i think my neighbor pissed on my couch
kate: WHAT. stop it
me: i bet he knows i dont lock my door when i walk dewey.  and i pissed him off on sat. night
kate: there is no. way.
me: and it happened sunday
kate: you pissed him off so he pissed on your couch
me: i just dont know when dewey could have done it
kate: i mean, that is really a stretch, ash. even for you
me: well, it just doesnt seem right
kate: also, you should lock your doors when you walk him
me: yeah i am now. i cant afford to keep dry cleaning my couch
kate: some people wait for you to leave and then go in your apt and rape you
me: how can they rape me if i leave? oh, you mean, like they hide in there?
kate: they rape you when you get back.  and you are all like, unsuspecting.  they can also do it when you take out the trash

Lesson. Learned.  About locking my doors.  As for my neighbor, he just better watch his back.

And control his bladder.

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2 Responses to “Urine Trouble”

  1. Allison Rizk says:

    I actually laughed out loud. NOT LQTM (laughed quietly to myself, which is really what LOL really is)

  2. [...] the table and said, “I know this may not be dinner talk, but…did your neighbor really pee on your couch?”  I think we all know the answer to that question, [...]