Walk of Shame Update + Stories!

Well the Svedka Walk of Shame Campaign is still going strong (I think), but I’m about to conclude my personal campaign and give away those awesome Walk of Shame Kits I promised! But first….I want you guys to read the stories that some of my blog readers posted. Click HERE for the original blog entry and scroll down to the comments.

Some highlights:

“You see, I was kind of in the front yard, kind of in a hammock, kind of naked, kind of covered by a sleeping bag…and kind of not alone.”

“[My boss] called me a few minutes later and let me know I wasn’t welcome at the company party.”

“Once upon a time… a young girl who will remain nameless, had just woken up in a small yet oddly familiar bedroom. The smell of Jager, college football, and lube filled the air.”

Intrigued? I know I would be. Read on, and if you have a good story to share, post that puppy on the original blog entry or this one and I’ll be picking 3 winners at midnight tonight. Like this is some kinda’ big deal or something.

ALSO, check a real doozy out from our Social Mess newsletter by clicking HERE.

Aftermath from that: the husband of the girl mentioned in that story read the newsletter and they had to have a talk. Must have been the “sorta pregnant” part. (Psst, sign up for that train wreck of a newsletter by visiting asocialmess.com).

And just remember: it’s not a Walk of Shame once you’re over the age of 25. It’s a Stride of Pride.

 

How to Dew it Right in Dewey Beach

Dewey Beach, Delaware is my favorite place on Earth. But (most of) you guys already knew that. I was there from July 6-11 this summer to celebrate my Dad’s big 60th and my big 28th (vomit).

And, what…a shit show.

I swang from the rafters at The Lighthouse, did the Single Ladies dance on the bar, sprayed innocent bystanders with champagne, swam in the bay (ew), made out with hot, mustached men (okay, just one), took off guys’ douchey tee shirts and threw them in the trash, participated in a limbo contest and almost won (F that bitch who did), wore a sombrero and a captain’s hat for an extended period of time, took shots like it was my 21st birthday, kicked ass at beer pong, sucked ass at beer pong, and a whole lot more.

And that was all before noon on Friday.

I kid, I kid. That all happened between 4pm on Friday and 9pm on Sunday.

My Atlanta BFF Kate flew up for the weekend (amazing), my Delaware BFF Cory was in Dewey (she lives there), and I got to spend time with my family and other friends I don’t get to see a lot. It…was…heaven.

So I made a video. Side note: I’m looking for a cameraman to follow me around so I can include more of the aforementioned antics. If he was hot, over 6’1, 26+ and had hair like Justin Bieber or Ellen Degeneres, that would be a plus. All inquiries: please leave a comment on this blog. I like to do things very professionaly around here.

And now, without further adieu….How to DEW Dewey Beach. And there may or may not be a blooper reel at the end.

My Walk of Shame + WIN Walk of Shame Kits

Walk of Shame, Stride of Pride, the Slut Strut. Whatever you want to call it, I’ve had a lot a few of them. So it’s no shocker that Svedka Vodka (my favorite vodka…for real) asked me to share a story for their Walk of Shame Campaign. National Walk of Shame Day was July 27, but that was a Wednesday and let’s be serious–who shacks on a Tuesday night over the age of 22? Actually, don’t answer that. So, I’M deciding that THIS WEEKEND is National Walk of Shame Weekend. I’ll be in Charleston and last time I did a walk of shame there, it was 2007 and I was wearing an XL tee shirt from Thee Southern Belle. No joke.

Here is a video of one of my personal walk of shame favorites. Take a look (it’s only a minute and a half), and then share one of your favorite walk of shame stories with a comment on this blog entry. I will be picking THREE of the best ones to send an exclusive Walk of Shame Kit to. Seriously, check those things out. They’re pretty awesome/hilarious. Also, “like” Svedka on Facebook and the “like” button on this blog to qualify to win.

Easy enough, right? Just like me in 2007.

3 Incredible Things from Saturday Night (+ Proof)

Saturday night was full of shocking surprises. First, I went to dinner/drinks with Chesley at Cafe 640 (that’s not the shocking part), and she casually mentioned a funny sign she had seen on someone’s door when she went to this person’s home to pick something up. I was not expecting this:

Do not RUN FROM the dog?! What is he, a BEAR?! What if he comes after you–you’re just going to let him tear off your leg and eat it for a snack?! And the EYE CONTACT!? It was too hilarious, I couldn’t stand it.

I asked Chesley what kind of dog it was.

Her answer: “It was hard to tell because I wasn’t allowed to look at him.”

Oh right.

When Chesley went home, Tope came in and switched out with her and I agreed to leave Cafe 640 and go to Buckhead with him, which is very out of character for me because I don’t really frequent Buckhead. But I had a Black-Eyed-Peas-type-feeling that it was going to be a good night.

First stop: Kramer’s back room to see a friend of a friend play music. I scanned the room and noticed a couple random balloons (weird), but thought nothing of it, until I saw it….a chintzy, er, modest little spread of food on a high table. Then, I was informed someone was having an engagement party at Kramer’s.

I’m sorry….what? Engagement party? Now, I like Kramer’s but it’s divey and can be smoky and it’s a place to drink your face off and steer clear of any food you may find on the premises. NOT a place to have any sort of celebration other than a 20-something birthday party.

But to be honest, I can never turn down a cheese tray.

I’m kidding, you guys. I didn’t eat that cheese. I mean, I would have, but I think someone had spilled a shot of Jager on it.

Speaking of liquor. When we left Kramer’s, we headed to Park Bench and along the way, we thought we saw girls giving out shots on the street. As we got closer, it was confirmed that girls were giving out shots on the street.

Well I’ll be darned. Buckhead went and stepped up its game while I was on hiatus. Any ‘hood that serves shots on the street is alright in my book. Even better if the shots are neon-colored and $2 apiece.

Tope looks scary.

The night just continued to get better and we ended it at Pool Hall “after hours” because apparently, I wanted to find a late-night party. Turns out the late-night party consisted of one Jager shot and Pool Hall owner Tom forcing innocent employees to clean up napkins that patrons had thrown in the air throughout the night. Some party.

Regardless, I may just be going back to Buckhead sometime soon. Especially if I need to host a baby shower or something.
*

If you like this blog, remember to VOTE for it in Creative Loafing’s Best of ATL (click HERE for details!). Please? I love you.

What I’ll Do if I Win Creative Loafing’s Best Of ATL

Go ahead, you guys. Call me a self-promoter. But who else is going to promote this nonsense besides Kate and maybe my mom? And my mom only has like, 7 friends on Facebook, so she’s not really a big help.

Now that we got that out of the way.

If you’re reading this, chances are you might actually like this blog. In which case, thank you. I love you. No, really. I do.

Maybe…consider voting for Hesseltime in Creative Loafing’s Best of Atlanta survey. Here’s the deal:

1. Go to clatl.com. You can’t miss the “Best Of” banner.
2. There are a gajillion categories, but you only have to cast a vote for FIVE for your ballot to be valid. That’s nothin’.
3.  You can vote for me for “Local Blogger” – Ashley Hesseltine – AND/or “Local Blog” – Hesseltime.com.
4. Voting ends July 31st!

And…drumroll please…here’s what I’ma do if I win this thang!

Why not hit that “recommend” button? Please?

Bad Kissers: REVEALED

Kate (you know, my psuedo-lesbian lover) and I made our first video together.

No, not that kind of video, you pervs.

We addressed a serious epidemic sweeping the nation: bad kissers. Also known as face rape. Watch as we demonstrate the FOUR WORST TYPES OF KISSERS IN THE WORLD.

Bad kissing footage provided by Tom of A Social Mess–sign up for our weekly newsletter HERE.

But wait, did you like this post? Why not hit that “recommend” button and show the Internet world how you feel!

Hugs and French kisses,
Hess

Who Wants Free VIP Tix to Rihanna Tonight!?

I’ll make this short and sweet. Unlike myself.

I have TWO VIP TICKETS (read: best seats in the house) to the Rihanna concert tonight at Chastain (7:30pm)! Nivea (yes, as in the skincare) is hooking it up to celebrate their 100th anniversary and they asked me to participate in this amazing giveaway. Probably….because they know I love Rihanna and more importantly, I love lotion. Tonight, I will slathering myself in Nivea lotion, then going to the concert to sing “Only Girl in the World” at the top of my lungs in a super-VIP seat. You could, too.

Here’s what you do. First, “like” this blog entry using that little button there at the top of the post. Then, go to Nivea’s Facebook page (click HERE, fool) and “like” it (if you don’t already). Then write a post on the wall about what you would give up to see Rihanna in concert tonight in Atlanta with the hashtag #Hesseltime somewhere in your post. It can be anything you’d give up – chocolate, your first born, your first date with your crush which just so happens to be tonight. Or heck, you could even bring him/her to the concert. And put your slippery Nivea lotion to good use after the show.

Kidding. Sorta.

But seriously guys – it’s THAT EASY. Take two seconds to write what you would give up to see Rihanna (with #Hesseltime) and you may just win these tickets. Trust me, I know where the seats are and THEY. ARE. AWESOME.

I’ll be picking the winner at random (or best answer) around 4pm and will notify you via Facebook. I’ll also be tweeting about this today (follow me @AshHess).

Spread the word! And best of luck!

(Oh, and subscribing to this blog wouldn’t hurt either).

 

 

How I Became a Lesbian (Sorta)

If you know me, you probably know Kate. We hang out entirely too much and I reference her quite a bit on this blog. Basically…we’re besties. Which also means people think we’re lesbians. It doesn’t help that we’re both big tall.

So Kate got invited to a “Girls Slumber Party” thing at the Ellis Hotel downtown and of course, she asked me to accompany her. This meant we’d be staying on the women-only floor, getting complimentary drinks, meals and spa treatments, braiding each other’s hair, and walking around in our underwear.

I posted this on my Facebook:
Sleepover w/ Kate at The Ellis Hotel – dinner, drinks, Ben Gleib at Laughing Skull tonight. Farmers market, spa treatments and farm-to-table lunch tomorrow. And also: a good night’s sleep.

After I posted it, I realized it sounded pretty lesbian, especially because we were staying in a hotel in the city we freaking live in. But whatever.

Then someone commented:
Are u sure about the good night sleep part?

What….was that supposed to mean? That we’d be up all night scissoring?! Unbelievable.

Okay, that was too far.

Moving right along. After a romantic dinner on Friday night, we headed to the Laughing Skull Lounge to see Ben Gleib, who is on the Chelsea Lately roundtable (obviously, the only way we know him because we have huge, lesbian crushes on Chelsea). When we sat down at our VIP table in the front row of the intimate comedy club, we realized we were the only people in the room that weren’t on dates. Straight dates, that is. This was just getting better and better.

Ben’s schtick was targeting people in the audience and I knew he would set his sights on us sooner or later. Well, he did. And he called us “sexy ladies” or some shit, then asked how long we’d been making out with each other.

Kate’s answer: “We made out once in college.”

And the crowd went wild.

PS. Kate and I didn’t even go to the same college.

We had some more banter back and forth and I said something about us making out only on vacations, but that we also liked boys. At that, Ben dropped his drink, got genuinely flustered and had to sit down on his stool. Shortly thereafter, his boner went down and he moved onto antagonizing someone else.

But he came back to us. And I don’t quite remember where he was going with his bit, but I could feel it coming. I turned to Kate and said, “Ohmygod.” Because I knew…he was about to ask us to kiss.

And he did.

And we did.

Well…sorta. Like, a quickie on the lips. Sorry guys, put it back in your pants.

After the show, we sidled up to the bar and Ben approached us. Duh. And he loved Kate. Like, really loved her. As in, another guy came in that also fell in love with her at first sight and he and Ben got into a fight. Swear to God, you guys. No punches were thrown, but I came back from the bathroom and there were strong words and shoving going on and people were trying to get between them.

Had it gone any further, I may have had to step in and defend my girlfriend’s honor.

Here’s Ben and Kate. Clearly, she’s not in love with him as much as he is in love with her. Because he’s a boy.

Update on Kate and Ben: she did deny his invite to the World of Coke the following day, but they are still texting. She has to keep the spark going so we can go to LA and meet Chelsea. Duh.

I wasn’t sure if the kiss made us lesbians, but it was confirmed when we came back to our hotel room and there were large, unsexy (but very comfortable!) matching nighties laid out on the bed for each of us.

I don’t understand what Kate thinks is so funny about our new relationship.

The next day involved more lesbian activites: walking around holding hands at the farmers market, sharing food during our fancy lunch at the hotel, and a pillow fight. Okay, so actually I just threw one of those long, cylinder pillows at Kate when she came out of the bathroom and she got pissed.

But other than that, I think our relationship is off to a great start. As long as Ben doesn’t get in the way.

 

Like what you read? Why not hit that “recommend” button, or heck, even subscribe!

Best (and Worst?) News Headline Ever

As I was tirelessly working on the Social Mess newsletter yesterday, I got a text from Tom (newsletter/Social Mess CEO) that said: there is a good article in AJC on their Twitter that would be good for the newsletter…meth porn horse trainer Cumming, GA.

Meth porn horse? That didn’t even make sense.

My response: Shut up.

But alas, it was true. The headline was the most amusing thing I think I’ve ever read:

Horse Trainer Arrested for Meth, Driving Naked

I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. So yes, a ”well-known” horse trainer was not only arrested for smoking meth, but also for driving naked while smoking meth. I didn’t even realize driving naked was a crime, so I’m glad I know that now. He had porn mags in his car, which makes sense, and he was already facing child molestation charges at the time of arrest, which is sad and disgusting, but also not surprising.

I just don’t understand. If you’re going to drive naked with porn in the car, that’s one thing. We’ve all been there. And if you’re going to smoke meth, that’s your choice. But doing both at the same time is just a little much. Especially for someone that has innocent horses counting on him to do the right thing.

I don’t think he’ll be getting back in the saddle anytime soon.

Be Afraid. Be Kinda’ Afraid.

I know, I know. You guys hate when I promote events and would rather hear about me losing my car and reporting it stolen, running down River Street in boxer shorts, and mugging an Asian Georgia Tech student while not wearing a bra. I get it. It makes you feel a lot better about your own lives. And especially for those of you that don’t live in Atlanta and can’t go to these thangs, you hate it even MORE. I’m aware.

And I’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming after I alert you that you have to attend The World’s Most Dangerous Party this Saturday, June 25.

Here’s why:

1. It’s at The Ivy. That place is dangerous for a lot of reasons. For one, bartender extraordinaire Owen Gaddis’ heavy hand. Two, there are way too many dark corners and hot guys and girls. Three, you might get pregnant on the dance floor.
2. This event is benefiting two Navy SEAL foundations and there may or may not be real-life Navy SEALs there. I am not authorized to say who and how many of them will be there, but, um, why would I even bring it up if it wasn’t going to happen? Moving on…
3. Drink sponsors are Kill Cliff recovery drink (how dangerous does THAT sound?) which is great with vodka and/or tequila, and Bud Light, which means drinks specials all night long. And probably free shots of some sort if you find me, although I can’t guarantee I won’t be wearing a mask.
4. DJ Madflip will be playing dangerous songs (from Michael Jackson’s Dangerous album, perhaps?) and juggling swords between sets, and we have an ’80s band to play Thriller and other scary songs that gave me nightmares when I was a kid. True story.
5. We’re raffling off a glock pistol. Also known as a gun. BUT if you win it, you won’t get the gun that night. I think….that could possibly be illegal and I worry that Trey would shoot me in the shin as he has already said that he would do so.
6. More awesome stuff involving fire, the ghost of Osama, dragons, arm wrestling with bears, and your crazy ex (the most dangerous f*cker of all).

Tickets are only $8 right now and with promo code HESS, they are only $5! $5 for the most dangerous night of your life!? What…a steal. They go up to $11 ($8 with promo code) this Wednesday at noon. Click HERE to buy tickets.

Also, I suggest visiting asocialmess.com and signing up for our disaster of a newsletter (enter email on the right) that we put out every week featuring party pics from around town (ie. you and/or your friends and/or you friends’ friends on top of a bar with no pants on), stupid videos and usually some sort of useless message from me.

Cheers!