Because I “work well under pressure” (read: do everything last minute), I always stop to get gifts while on the way to a party. My friend Christina’s engagement shower was Saturday evening, so of course, I stopped by Pottery Barn at Lenox on the way there to pick up some goods. What….a disaster. I had forgotten what a CLUSTERF*CK the mall is on a weekend night. Every teen and their mothers (ok, so probably not their mothers) were there, the girls in hooched out sloutfits (that’s my new word for slutty outfits) and the guys looking like they came straight off the set of a Lil’ Wayne video…
…except they had shirts on.
One fella that was actually “of age” (or so he looked) hit on me while we were on the escalator so I couldn’t escape. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I have escalator anxiety because of an injury from 2005 so that took it up about 10 notches.
Anyway, I was wearing a romper that I have officially deemed my new favorite outfit (NOT a sloutfit, but maybe with a couple buttons undone, it could qualify). Since I purchased the romper at a store in the mall, I decided to pop in and see if I could snag one in another color; that’s how much I love it. Have you ever gone into a store to purchase the exact same thing you’re wearing? I felt like a total douche. And, then I had to ask a salesgirl to check my tag to make sure I was getting the right size. Another douche move. But, I found one in a different color and my size, so mission accomplished.
On the way to Pottery Barn, I noticed “Coming Soon” signs outside a storefront for…wait for it…a Microsoft store. Ummmm, can’t wait to see the lines outside of that store. SIKE.
Can you picture it? A line wrapped around the mall when Microsoft Office 2012 edition comes out? I don’t think so. Microsoft, I love you and all, but leave the whole “storefront” thing to Apple. It’s embarrassing.
Then, I got to Pottery Barn. I wanted to get Christina a cocktail shaker and a sack of fake lemons right off her registry. Why you would register for fake fruit, I don’t know, but Christina has great taste, so I’m sure she has big plans for those lemons. Well, she better, because it took about 3 hours for the Pottery Barn staff to find a sack of those f*ckers. Ok, so it was only about 10 minutes, but come on! I was about to grab 6 of the lemons on display, put them in a bag and call it a day.
When they finally tracked down the 2 items, the cashier lady asked if I wanted them gift wrapped. Uh, duh. Then, she passed the gift off to another lady who asked me if I wanted to wait for the gift wrapping or come back. Excuse me? Since when is gift wrapping a lengthy procedure? I know those people gift wrap items all damn day especially now that it’s wedding season and they should be able to do it in under 5 minutes flat while I stand there and watch.
“Uh, yeah I’ll wait. I’m on my way to the party. How long is this going to take?”
“About 15 minutes.”
I bit my tongue. I have a baaaad tendency to snap in situations like this. And, I bit my tongue again when she took my present into the BACK. What…was going on here? Now I felt panicky. I had no idea how long they were going to take and I couldn’t even stare at them impatiently to speed up the process.
So, I waited.
A couple came in and did their entire registry while I waited.
Ok, that didn’t happen, but it could have. I started lingering around the back of the store as if that would help. I saw the door open and expected it to be Gift Wrap Lady, but it was NOT. It was Cashier Lady, with her bag over her shoulder, ready to go home. That’s right. Cashier Lady had completed her shift in the time it was taking to wrap my one damn present.
Gift Wrap Lady finally resurfaced but she couldn’t find an envelope to put the card in.
“It’s fine. I’ll just slip the card under the ribbon.”
She looked at me like I had just spit in her face. “But, we always put the card in an envelope with the gift receipt!”
WELL THEN FIND ME A DAMN ENVELOPE, LADY! I felt like screaming that. But, I didn’t. I waited patiently AGAIN while she searched and finally retrieved what was probably the last tiny envelope in the store. Last envelope. Last sack of fake lemons. I was really cleaning them out. And, they deserved it.
Never again will I go to the mall on a weekend night…even if it means shopping in advance.